Sunday 19 July 2015
Wednesday 15 July 2015
it only takes one picture...
I thought I was doing well and learning that maybe I should be moving on and trying to forget my feelings I have for him, but then I see a picture, just one, and I'm back to square one and not being able to picture my life without him by my side.
It is literally a year now since we broke up and the edge has gone but the pain still resides deep down, waiting to show its ugly face and bring me right back down to the dark hole of despair. I saw the picture, of you and your son and it hit me like a truck. I smiled as he looked happy but I also felt sad at the fact that that was once the face he would look at me with, whose eyes I would look deep within and see nothing but love staring back. I just wanted his arms around me and to never let go. Yes I never voiced these things, I find it hard to show affection and although I learnt to whilst being with him I could never truly tell him how I felt. Them same eyes however had something else behind them, something I could not see, the scepticism of how I felt towards him and my actions. In the last year, the whole time he had this lurking deep at the back of his mind, a niggling feeling that he had to pursue, whilst I was none the wiser. The problems I voiced or pulled a mood over were none compared to what he had stored, whilst I was thinking and planning on how we could work it out, how I could stop being pathetic at times and be who I really am for once, he was sitting back and it almost feels like he was waiting for the right time to make a move; like a lion with it's prey.
Despite all of that my feelings remained. Despite it being a year I still feel as strong as I did from day one. Despite his absence in my life, I still think of him every waking minute of every day. Despite me telling myself to move on with my life, I find my mind wandering straight back to thoughts of him and us.
I know one day this will all go away, at face value anyway. I will hopefully find someone else and although I will compare them in every way to him, I know that with time this will also stop. But until then I allow my mind to torture myself, finding small ways to help distract myself, and in most ways it works. I know though that I will always carry a flame for him, that a piece of my heart will forever have his name etched on it. In my own fantasy world I would like to think we could rekindle what we had somewhere down the line, that we stop being ignorant to our feelings and come to face the fact that we work as a couple, but we just met at a time in our lives when we couldn't work. I know I was in a limbo world, I wasn't quite sure where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do. But going away and sorting out my life, finding my foot in the world, I now know that this doesn't change how I feel towards him. I hope one day he realises this, I hope we can speak and have conversations without it being awkward, that we can get back to being good friends. There are so many times I want to tell him things that have happened or ask how he is, but I resist, with all my strength, as I know he doesn't feel the same way. I say that in the sense that he holds back, he will reply and he will take some time to listen but he seems to have a guard up. I am not sure what against, whether he thinks I am slowly trying to find my way back into his life or he is not sure of his feelings and so tries to keep it basic so not to make them come back. Either way I have hope for the future, I don't know where that will lead me, or if it involves a me and him but I will say it as I always have, I love him, always have, always will.
It is literally a year now since we broke up and the edge has gone but the pain still resides deep down, waiting to show its ugly face and bring me right back down to the dark hole of despair. I saw the picture, of you and your son and it hit me like a truck. I smiled as he looked happy but I also felt sad at the fact that that was once the face he would look at me with, whose eyes I would look deep within and see nothing but love staring back. I just wanted his arms around me and to never let go. Yes I never voiced these things, I find it hard to show affection and although I learnt to whilst being with him I could never truly tell him how I felt. Them same eyes however had something else behind them, something I could not see, the scepticism of how I felt towards him and my actions. In the last year, the whole time he had this lurking deep at the back of his mind, a niggling feeling that he had to pursue, whilst I was none the wiser. The problems I voiced or pulled a mood over were none compared to what he had stored, whilst I was thinking and planning on how we could work it out, how I could stop being pathetic at times and be who I really am for once, he was sitting back and it almost feels like he was waiting for the right time to make a move; like a lion with it's prey.
Despite all of that my feelings remained. Despite it being a year I still feel as strong as I did from day one. Despite his absence in my life, I still think of him every waking minute of every day. Despite me telling myself to move on with my life, I find my mind wandering straight back to thoughts of him and us.
I know one day this will all go away, at face value anyway. I will hopefully find someone else and although I will compare them in every way to him, I know that with time this will also stop. But until then I allow my mind to torture myself, finding small ways to help distract myself, and in most ways it works. I know though that I will always carry a flame for him, that a piece of my heart will forever have his name etched on it. In my own fantasy world I would like to think we could rekindle what we had somewhere down the line, that we stop being ignorant to our feelings and come to face the fact that we work as a couple, but we just met at a time in our lives when we couldn't work. I know I was in a limbo world, I wasn't quite sure where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do. But going away and sorting out my life, finding my foot in the world, I now know that this doesn't change how I feel towards him. I hope one day he realises this, I hope we can speak and have conversations without it being awkward, that we can get back to being good friends. There are so many times I want to tell him things that have happened or ask how he is, but I resist, with all my strength, as I know he doesn't feel the same way. I say that in the sense that he holds back, he will reply and he will take some time to listen but he seems to have a guard up. I am not sure what against, whether he thinks I am slowly trying to find my way back into his life or he is not sure of his feelings and so tries to keep it basic so not to make them come back. Either way I have hope for the future, I don't know where that will lead me, or if it involves a me and him but I will say it as I always have, I love him, always have, always will.
Wednesday 8 July 2015
he plagues my every thought...
Recently I have dreamt about him pretty much every night, most of them involve us rekindling what we had and working together to try and become what we once were. Obviously when I wake up there is the disappointment, however as much as I wish I could just fall back asleep again, the dreams don't affect me as much as they used to. I do still think of him every minute of every day, but I am more inclined to be happy at the good memories and be happy he was a part of my life, rather than work myself up to getting upset all over again. Yes there are still the days when I feel like my grief just takes over, that all I want to do is surround myself with memories of him. I have had to stop myself many a times from looking at his profile on facebook (he is private but you can still see some updates). I know if I saw something I didn't want to then it would upset me more.
I have also been good in that I have resisted the urge to try and connect with him. Im beginning to understand all them quotes that say it is not what he says but what he does about it. As much as I hope he still thinks of me and questions what happened in the end, I feel he has less of an inclination to rekindle or do anything about it compared to me. If I speak to him he will ask about my life and what I have been up to, but unlike me who will remember and follow up on any important dates or things he has coming up, he doesn't; and I am starting to learn that if he truly did hold them feelings he said he did then he would. So bit by bit I am learning to put him out of my mind and move on, it is taking a long while but then I never doubted this. It is nearly a year to the date it officially ended. I know how I feel about it all and what I wish would or could happen, but I would give anything to know how he feels about it and whether he is just better at holding back.
I have also been good in that I have resisted the urge to try and connect with him. Im beginning to understand all them quotes that say it is not what he says but what he does about it. As much as I hope he still thinks of me and questions what happened in the end, I feel he has less of an inclination to rekindle or do anything about it compared to me. If I speak to him he will ask about my life and what I have been up to, but unlike me who will remember and follow up on any important dates or things he has coming up, he doesn't; and I am starting to learn that if he truly did hold them feelings he said he did then he would. So bit by bit I am learning to put him out of my mind and move on, it is taking a long while but then I never doubted this. It is nearly a year to the date it officially ended. I know how I feel about it all and what I wish would or could happen, but I would give anything to know how he feels about it and whether he is just better at holding back.
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