feeling low...

ramblings..

None of this will make sense and I don't expect it to, I just needed to be able to get it all out and what better way than to let my fingers do the running about

I don't know how I feel right now, I am going through some life changes, trying to get myself back on track after I lost my way the past year and a half. I could pull out the sob story and tell you to get your tiny violins out but I won't. Apart from the break up last year, I also went through several other things that tore up my life and heart bit by bit. I decided that I was to embrace this year with all it had to offer and make it a much better one than the previous. I have been doing just that, in between the days of sadness of what used to be, I have managed to make some track so that I can look toward to future and at least feel positive. The only issue is, I want to tell him everything I am planning to do and everything I have achieved. Right now I am applying to go back to Uni, a 3 year course at 26 means I would be nearly 30 by the time I have finished. And this terrifies me. I feel like my whole life will have to be put on hold, I feel like I will have to embrace the academic side of life and that is it, and my social or love life will be left behind. Next thing I know I am 30 and although I have a much better chance at gaining a job, where will I be with everything else. I say I want to tell him because I feel he will be able to offer me the advice and words I need to hear, not just what I want to hear. Im scared I will end up being a lonely kid, I won't have time to find and meet a new special someone as my focus will be fully on doing my studies. I feel I will just look back all the time and be like 'why didn't I do this' 'I should have done that,' anything that will help bring some explanation as to how it all went wrong and why we could not rekindle what we had. I will look back and think if I was with him now he would be providing me with this support and that support, but now he is not in my life and I have no one and what if I have no one throughout the whole time and next thing I know Im 30. I am having a major panic within myself at the moment which is why I had to just write it all down.
I know 30 is not old and it is not the end of my life, that I am doing something good for the long run. But I have a tendency to panic and I always see the bad, which can prepare me in advance, but most the time it just makes me think crazy stuff. I am excited to start a course, to give my life purpose again but at the same time I think....I will be 30, living at home with my parents, no money, no holidays for like 3 years, and much more. It is a sacrifice of some sort, why have I left it all till late, why didn't I think of this sooner and get my life on track then. Why would I leave it at a prime time in my life when I should be in a job and finding someone to settle down with. 22 year old me would not be bothered as I didn't crave a relationship I just wished to have someone who would text me and make me feel happy. But now I know what a relationship feels like I crave it again and I am scared that after everything with my ex, that I will not be able to find anyone again. All I think of is him, I compare everything and anyone to him and it is destroying doing that, but I literally cannot help myself.

Breatheeeeeeeee. I need to look at the benefits taking on a course will do for me and my job prospects. I need to look at my life now and how I am unhappy with where I work and how applying for new jobs has not got me anywhere. I will sort through this I just needed a good rant.

time heals...

truth...

do I wanna know...

The artic monkeys song was one was of his favourite songs to listen to and now I listen and hear the lyrics and it just says so much more to me than it did before...

gossip girl...

So  a long post however I was watching gossip girl at the time of the whole break up and in a way it made me feel better, I got so lost in Chuck and Blairs story and I was held up in all their conversations, I loved their story and how, no matter how much they fought, they always found their way back to each other. Since I have watched it twice all over again, I feel it is very much like real life in a way, about not giving up hope and fighting for what you want. But also learning to get over someone and learning to let go and move on. It is a definite watch even if it does make you emotional. So here are some of the lines from the show that made me happy

xoxo

i think too much...

i miss you...

it beats but for what reason...

thoughts...

nothing is ever simple...

how are you?...

Yesterday he asked me how I was. Three simple words of the english language put together in a question you may hear everyday, however to hear them from him brought a ray of light into the darkness my heart tends to hold onto these days. I say this because I am usually the one who asks him, the one who wants to know what he's been up to and how he has been, so I ask. He doesn't ignore me and we will have a conversation, but it is rare for him to ask about me, I tend to just tell him anyway. I don't know if he does it because he generally doesn't want to know or if he doesn't because he wants to me to know he has moved on and he doesn't want to pass on the wrong message. Then again it could be the fact that I am a girl and I will read into everything he says ha.

Either way it made me happy, not in the happy way of 'oh my god this must be a step to him wanting me back.' More in the sense of, he actually does care how I am doing and perhaps is interested in what I get up to even if he doesn't ask. It was hard not to ramble on after he asked me, tell him everything and anything I had done, making conversation out of any scrap of information I could provide. Even now I feel as if I could text him again and start a conversation but I know that would not be right, and so I will write on here instead and get anything out of my hear that could be lingering there to resist the temptation to speak.

The no contact rule that every website speaks of when dealing with a breakup was the hardest thing I did. I didn't do it after reading an article, my friends told me it would be the best way. I, naturally, disagreed as I didn't want to cut him out, he actually text me twice in that period of time and it took all the strength in me to not give in and reply, it killed me to know he took time to send me a message and here I was ignoring it. I think we had no contact for around a month, maybe, but it was eventually broken, by me of course and I am glad I did it. I didn't have intentions to break it so that we could get talking again and I could find a way to get back into his heart, I just did it because I did miss him in my life even just as a friend, I didn't hate him, I don't hate him and I didn't see why I should, so why have zero contact. To heal and get over him? I didn't think that would be the best way, there was not a chance I was going to be able to keep it up forever, I was always going to give in. It is just not in me to completely cut someone out of my life no matter what has happened. Over a period of time I realise there is no point in being petty and pretending that other person doesn't exist. They do, and you have so many memories with them why should you have to force them to be forgotten. Time will heal either way, and for me I thought I would deal with it better knowing I could speak to him if I needed to. Whether he wanted to reply or not would be up to him, but knowing I could text him made me feel so much better.

We are friends now, we have been for a while. Yes it is difficult and hard at times, it can be confusing and upsetting as well but I am battling through it all. I am learning to put them old feelings in the past and to see him as the friend he is now. We know so much about each other that we work as friends also, although I know it will kill me if I find out he is with someone. I just hope to be healed enough before that bridge has to be crossed.

Who knew heartbreak could be such a complicated process and how although it is the same for everyone, at the same time it is completely different.

communication...

secrets...

getting myself together again...

After meeting him I threw myself into sadness for a few days. I couldn't help it, I actually cried that evening, the first in a long time. I cried not just a small stream of tears but it was one of them times where you cry and you can't help but make noise, when your stomach just knots and you don't know what to do apart from scream almost with pain, physically and emotionally. It has been 3 days now and I am starting to feel on the up again, he is still the main thought in my head but once again I am back to trying to ignore that and just get on with my life. I have read countless things online about other people's break up stories and it does surprising help, it's good to see how they progressed and learned to be whole again, to love again and be loved. I count the days till I can feel whole again, have my faith restored in my own life that everything will be okay, and meet someone who I can share all my highs and lows with. He will probably still sit at the back of my mind, surfacing every now and again to make me aware that he still exists. But I hope by then I am strong enough to push them thoughts back down, and know that he had one chapter of my story but he chose not to make it through the rest of the book.

I don't know exactly what I am to write in this post I just felt a need to, I really do feel it is helping me to gather my thoughts and make sense of them. Rather than just ignoring them and punishing myself by having them swim around over and over, by writing it out I can sort through them and realise where I am going wrong or which direction I should be thinking in.

Yes I miss him, yes I still love him with all my heart, but I am slowly learning the importance of moving on.
x