how are you?...

Yesterday he asked me how I was. Three simple words of the english language put together in a question you may hear everyday, however to hear them from him brought a ray of light into the darkness my heart tends to hold onto these days. I say this because I am usually the one who asks him, the one who wants to know what he's been up to and how he has been, so I ask. He doesn't ignore me and we will have a conversation, but it is rare for him to ask about me, I tend to just tell him anyway. I don't know if he does it because he generally doesn't want to know or if he doesn't because he wants to me to know he has moved on and he doesn't want to pass on the wrong message. Then again it could be the fact that I am a girl and I will read into everything he says ha.

Either way it made me happy, not in the happy way of 'oh my god this must be a step to him wanting me back.' More in the sense of, he actually does care how I am doing and perhaps is interested in what I get up to even if he doesn't ask. It was hard not to ramble on after he asked me, tell him everything and anything I had done, making conversation out of any scrap of information I could provide. Even now I feel as if I could text him again and start a conversation but I know that would not be right, and so I will write on here instead and get anything out of my hear that could be lingering there to resist the temptation to speak.

The no contact rule that every website speaks of when dealing with a breakup was the hardest thing I did. I didn't do it after reading an article, my friends told me it would be the best way. I, naturally, disagreed as I didn't want to cut him out, he actually text me twice in that period of time and it took all the strength in me to not give in and reply, it killed me to know he took time to send me a message and here I was ignoring it. I think we had no contact for around a month, maybe, but it was eventually broken, by me of course and I am glad I did it. I didn't have intentions to break it so that we could get talking again and I could find a way to get back into his heart, I just did it because I did miss him in my life even just as a friend, I didn't hate him, I don't hate him and I didn't see why I should, so why have zero contact. To heal and get over him? I didn't think that would be the best way, there was not a chance I was going to be able to keep it up forever, I was always going to give in. It is just not in me to completely cut someone out of my life no matter what has happened. Over a period of time I realise there is no point in being petty and pretending that other person doesn't exist. They do, and you have so many memories with them why should you have to force them to be forgotten. Time will heal either way, and for me I thought I would deal with it better knowing I could speak to him if I needed to. Whether he wanted to reply or not would be up to him, but knowing I could text him made me feel so much better.

We are friends now, we have been for a while. Yes it is difficult and hard at times, it can be confusing and upsetting as well but I am battling through it all. I am learning to put them old feelings in the past and to see him as the friend he is now. We know so much about each other that we work as friends also, although I know it will kill me if I find out he is with someone. I just hope to be healed enough before that bridge has to be crossed.

Who knew heartbreak could be such a complicated process and how although it is the same for everyone, at the same time it is completely different.