I don't know how I feel right now, I am going through some life changes, trying to get myself back on track after I lost my way the past year and a half. I could pull out the sob story and tell you to get your tiny violins out but I won't. Apart from the break up last year, I also went through several other things that tore up my life and heart bit by bit. I decided that I was to embrace this year with all it had to offer and make it a much better one than the previous. I have been doing just that, in between the days of sadness of what used to be, I have managed to make some track so that I can look toward to future and at least feel positive. The only issue is, I want to tell him everything I am planning to do and everything I have achieved. Right now I am applying to go back to Uni, a 3 year course at 26 means I would be nearly 30 by the time I have finished. And this terrifies me. I feel like my whole life will have to be put on hold, I feel like I will have to embrace the academic side of life and that is it, and my social or love life will be left behind. Next thing I know I am 30 and although I have a much better chance at gaining a job, where will I be with everything else. I say I want to tell him because I feel he will be able to offer me the advice and words I need to hear, not just what I want to hear. Im scared I will end up being a lonely kid, I won't have time to find and meet a new special someone as my focus will be fully on doing my studies. I feel I will just look back all the time and be like 'why didn't I do this' 'I should have done that,' anything that will help bring some explanation as to how it all went wrong and why we could not rekindle what we had. I will look back and think if I was with him now he would be providing me with this support and that support, but now he is not in my life and I have no one and what if I have no one throughout the whole time and next thing I know Im 30. I am having a major panic within myself at the moment which is why I had to just write it all down.
I know 30 is not old and it is not the end of my life, that I am doing something good for the long run. But I have a tendency to panic and I always see the bad, which can prepare me in advance, but most the time it just makes me think crazy stuff. I am excited to start a course, to give my life purpose again but at the same time I think....I will be 30, living at home with my parents, no money, no holidays for like 3 years, and much more. It is a sacrifice of some sort, why have I left it all till late, why didn't I think of this sooner and get my life on track then. Why would I leave it at a prime time in my life when I should be in a job and finding someone to settle down with. 22 year old me would not be bothered as I didn't crave a relationship I just wished to have someone who would text me and make me feel happy. But now I know what a relationship feels like I crave it again and I am scared that after everything with my ex, that I will not be able to find anyone again. All I think of is him, I compare everything and anyone to him and it is destroying doing that, but I literally cannot help myself.
Breatheeeeeeeee. I need to look at the benefits taking on a course will do for me and my job prospects. I need to look at my life now and how I am unhappy with where I work and how applying for new jobs has not got me anywhere. I will sort through this I just needed a good rant.
No comments:
Post a Comment