i can't deal with this anymore...

I love him, I still love him. Recent times have brought this all to the surface and I have shot myself right back down to that dark hole I thought I had crawled out of for good. The other day I sat in a dark room, I sat in silence and read our old conversations, looked at pictures. I cried and I cried and I hated myself for getting so upset. Why can't I let him go, why am I still tormented by the feelings I hold for him. I can't even move one because if I try then I just feel guilty, I compare everyone to him and at the end of the day all I want is to be next to him, hear him breathing and feel his heart against my face. I don't know what to do, I feel so low and sad right now. I was considering sending him a letter, explaining to him everything I need to say to help clear my head, to tell him he needs to know all this before I can let go and move on. I don't think the feelings are mutual anymore, I feel he is being more polite when I message him, rather than him wanting to talk to me. I feel horrid, I feel torn up inside and incomplete, I hate that a year and a half later he still has this hold on me. I hate how I don't know how he is feeling and so I am left to wonder. Do I send an email and face my fears, follow my heart and hope for the best. Or do I just accept that this is all over and try and pull myself out of this depressive feeling, a feeling where I don't know what to do with myself and no amount of distractions work. I hate myself right now, I hate that I have become so weak over a boy, but most of all I hate that I can't see a way out. That I constantly torture myself without even realising it and all it takes is for one trigger to send me right back down.
I am lost and I am crying out to be found.