not everything can be fixed...

a dream from nowhere...

Just when I thought I was finally doing well, all the pain just came flooding back as the result of a dream. It is like my brain wants to torture my heart by coming up with all these thoughts and scenarios, to remind my heart that it is broken. The majority of the time I have kept it back, like an itch you shouldn't scratch, it sits there. I am aware of its presence but I choose not to go there and scratch away at it as I know what will follow will be more painful.

And I dreamt of him last night. But not just him, him son as well and his son made me cry because he asked why I never see him anymore and he gave me a massive hug. I cried, in my dream and I woke up crying. I woke up broken again also, when usually I dream of me and him rekindling and starting back up, this time it was worse, it is one of the things you would dread to see in real life when walking down the street; he was with another girl. Now in real life I know this would result in me probably having a full on panic attack, I would not be able to breathe and my heart would race like it is in the grand national. In my dream, I was more accepting; at first. Then as my dream went on, and for whatever reason we were at an occasion where we were to spend the day together, and by the end I was trying not to cry; but then I woke up and I cried.

How dare my brain be so selfish and conjure up these thoughts. How dare it think of something like this when it knows it will break me. I feel betrayed by my own thoughts, I had been doing so well. I didn't dream of him anymore, I had begun to grasp the fact that it is over and he is not interested in trying to start again. I was becoming more accepting, more used to the ways of my new chapter in life. Then this happens and I am truly disappointed, I feel like when before I was nearing the top ready to ring the bell, I have now been knocked back down several steps. Whilst before I could go days and days of not letting him be the majority of my thoughts, I know today he is going to be all I think about. I am going to have to try my hardest not to text him, not to message him just to see how he is. I have come this far, I can't cave in after one dream. Distraction is needed, I will read, I will type, I will clean and I will go for a walk. Anything to take my mind of what was and begin to focus again on what is.

looking back...

Words from days gone by, I read these now and it almost scares me as I can start to feel myself getting lost in that feeling of having lost a part of me, of having my heart broken. I haven't felt like this in a while now and I am proud of the fact I have made such a step towards moving on. The dreams don't happen like they did, I am not waking up wanting to fall back into that sweet sleep where everything can go back to normal; being awake just didn't cut it anymore. I felt I had to include these anyway as they were relevant to how I was feeling at one day in my journey through this break up, and since this blog is here to remind myself of how far I have come and how one boy broke my heart one day, I thought it would be relevant to include everything and anything. 

did it even happen...

I feel like what happened between me and him barely happened now. When before it was all I could think about, now it is something I have to think about if I want to. I know that sounds harsh, like how could I have loved him so much if I am saying this, but I guess it is all a part of moving on. My mind has built a wall around that chapter of my life and started to build other exciting things around it. I have a new start ahead of me and I am focusing more on doing things for me. I know that if I saw him I would probably end up writing a post saying how everything all came flooding back, I;m sure it would be the case for many people, the whole out of sight out of mind after a while. But for now I am much happier and finally dealing with my loss.

its all for you...

comfort in words...

if my heart had a voice...