And I dreamt of him last night. But not just him, him son as well and his son made me cry because he asked why I never see him anymore and he gave me a massive hug. I cried, in my dream and I woke up crying. I woke up broken again also, when usually I dream of me and him rekindling and starting back up, this time it was worse, it is one of the things you would dread to see in real life when walking down the street; he was with another girl. Now in real life I know this would result in me probably having a full on panic attack, I would not be able to breathe and my heart would race like it is in the grand national. In my dream, I was more accepting; at first. Then as my dream went on, and for whatever reason we were at an occasion where we were to spend the day together, and by the end I was trying not to cry; but then I woke up and I cried.
How dare my brain be so selfish and conjure up these thoughts. How dare it think of something like this when it knows it will break me. I feel betrayed by my own thoughts, I had been doing so well. I didn't dream of him anymore, I had begun to grasp the fact that it is over and he is not interested in trying to start again. I was becoming more accepting, more used to the ways of my new chapter in life. Then this happens and I am truly disappointed, I feel like when before I was nearing the top ready to ring the bell, I have now been knocked back down several steps. Whilst before I could go days and days of not letting him be the majority of my thoughts, I know today he is going to be all I think about. I am going to have to try my hardest not to text him, not to message him just to see how he is. I have come this far, I can't cave in after one dream. Distraction is needed, I will read, I will type, I will clean and I will go for a walk. Anything to take my mind of what was and begin to focus again on what is.
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