forgive and forget...

why now? why me?...

So you couldn't really write this....or could you? I almost feel as if he can read my every thought sometimes. After putting the goodbye up the other day, I felt it was appropriate for where I was in my life, I know I am to move on. Then today...after 3 months of not speaking to him at all (if we had spoke it was mainly because I had started the conversation off), he messages me. I was literally gobsmacked and I immediately messaged back. At first I thought he must want something or need to know something but he actually had a normal conversation with me and my body just exploded. Literally fireworks went off in every possible place and I had one of them stupid big smiles all over my face, I was giddy, I looked a fool and my friend was telling me to calm down. She said my smile was ridiculous and why am I messaging him back so quick. I could not help it, it was like all this time, more specifically the 3 months I have had zero contact with him had gone out the window, and I was back to being the puppy in love and couldn't have been more lapped up by everything he said. Whyyyyyy did this happen?!? I am obviously not over him in any way shape or form, I have just been trying to convince myself. All them feelings just came flooding back and my mind went into overdrive, I just thought of everything there was to think about, why is he texting? will he want to speak again? does this mean he is thinking of me? why now? Arghhhh. I couldn't concentrate in my last lecture of the day because all I wanted to do was talk to him, he had offered me an olive branch and I was taking it all in, piece by piece. The conversation flowed, it was nice to talk to him again however it didn't take long before it felt like the conversation was forced, like how it usually is. I began thinking was he just texting me cause he was bored? If so why did I fall for that so easily and put my all into messaging him back and wanting to know what he has been up to. He might have genuinely been busy but then why didn't he say so? See I overthink everything and  I just end up making myself feel worse, so what started with an buzz going through every inch of my body has ended in a baffled state of mind now, I am not quite sure why he did that. Did he message me then remember he shouldn't be doing this and so he decided to try and cut it short? I have no idea and I guess I will never know, however because of this I am going to have to try so so hard tomorrow, or the next day not to start a conversation with him now. Was that what he was doing? testing me? How am I going to sleep tonight with all this in my head. I know it is my fault for allowing him to do it but he obviously means that much to me that my heart or mind will not let him go no matter how hard I try. I am still clinging on to the hope that we could maybe try again one day, when our lives are less hectic and we know what we want.

what if?...

beau...

the big goodbye, for today anyway...

I am not completely ready to say goodbye, I know I am still hanging on to every little bit I have of you left. Like a child with a teddy they have had since they were born, its old now and tatty and its leg has fallen off but you still hold it close and breathe in it familiar scent, it just brings you comfort. Well I will always have in my heart and I know if I see him it will still make my heart do a thousand back flips and I will go weak at the knees, but I have a collection of words that I found and I need to put them down. I need to do this because otherwise when I look back at this blog, years down the line, I will probably question my sanity. How did I cope for so long feeling the way I did. So this is my way of reverse psychology on myself, crazy idea huh? ha. I am hoping by putting this I will see it and think, I can move on, I can be happy again, he was a great chapter in my life but he obviously was not the book. Yes it pains me to say goodbye and yes it pains me to think like this but I have to one day right? So these are my messages to him, the ones that I don't want to post but have to. I love him and I know I always will but does the love change after a while?

this is my ode to sorrow...

just thoughts and words...

I don't know...

Does this feeling ever go? Can you ever truly get over someone? Will someone else come along? Will I still wish I was with him? Why didn't it work with him? Why did it end up the way it did? Is there something wrong with me? Will the same thing keep happening?

so what do I do now?...

short verse...

I could write about you all day...

I still feel this way but I try so hard not to give in, I won't text you because I know it is not right any more but that doesn't mean it doesn't take every strength in the world for me not to do it..

This is what I tried to tell you, what I couldn't get you to understand no matter what. I said some stupid things but that doesn't mean the feelings weren't there. I wanted to make you happy so much, and it makes me sad that in trying to do that, I instead made it even worse for you, for me and for us both

sleep...

This....instead of the end why couldn't we have found a way. Why couldn't we just roll back into bed, angry with each other but still wanting the other to know we love them. We always slept with our backs to each other but would have our feet touching, it was our way of letting the other know that we care. And now I lie here with nothing but cold sheets and a wish that I would find the warmth of his feet waiting to say I'm here for you...

alas not everything is fair...

it's just another day...

how to...

i need to learn...

if i see him...

Why does this happen?...

You know what is confusing, when you can feel yourself moving on, like literally start to feel the pain be released and your mind focusing on other things, but then your heart is like 'no wait a minute, what about him? are we really over him? remember when he did this?'

That's exactly how I feel right now, I'd like to say I go a day without thinking about him however this is not true, I do think of him every day however most the time it is a passing thought that almost goes in one ear and out the other. But then after a while my heart will let me know it does not want to be ignored and all of a sudden he is all I can think about, and I just want to contact him and arrange to see him. I want to be able to give him a hug hello and breathe in all that familiar smell I used to wake up to every morning. I want to see his smile and know it is because he has seen me. Andddddd now I get upset again, as in right now just typing this. I'm clearly not moved on and he clearly is someone who has had such an effect on my life I don't think I will ever be able to move on completely, I just want to get to a point where it does not hurt anymore.

this describes it perfect...

move on they say...