a work in progress...

You know what, I am not over him, there I said it. I know I thought I was but I clearly am not. Do not get me wrong, I have moved on in a way, I have moved on in the sense of I know me and him are not going to work, he has moved on and is with someone and I accept that. I have not moved on in any way though in that I still love him, unfortunately my heart is still well and truly in love with the boy who broke it 2 years ago. I felt like I needed to get this off my chest as I hope it might help how I feel. I think I am repressing so much emotion towards him that it is coming out in other ways in my life. I do not talk to my friends about him anymore because it is old news and I have moved on from sending the letter. It is just them pesky feelings that remain. I do not think I will ever get closure like I have done with this other guy in the past, it took me a long time with him but it took me to meet my now ex before I could fully move on. However now I am really struggling to move on, I am struggling to make an effort in with anyone else and I cannot recall the number of times that I have nearly called another guy his name, oops. I don't like that I still have this love for him, I do not enjoy the fact that my heart is still holding a flame for him, I know it is stopping me from really moving on and meeting someone but I honestly cannot shift the feeling. I guess I am still a work in progress, and I know I have come a long way already so the full recovery must soon be on the horizon. I just miss him, I miss us and I miss the way he made me feel. I know I will get that when I meet the next person in my life but for now it does still hurt. So if you are feeling like you are holding on or in denial at your moving on, then lets get together and say that it is okay for us to feel like this, this person was a big part of our lives and we all move on in different ways. If we want to be the snails in the race then so bit, when we finally take that last step to getting over them we will be so much more stronger for it. So here is to the snails, the one's whose broken hearts rule their lives until a prince can come along and slay our demons. Until then...

i hate you i love you...

the past catches up eventually...

I wanted to write a post that would continue about me moving on but for now there are other things that I need to get off my chest. I mentioned before how I am now struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, so much so that I have been to the Dr's and got medication as well as have my name down for therapy. My sister also has recently been put down for counselling. I only mention my sister because I think the past has finally caught up with us both.

My dad died when I was 10, she was around 6 or 7. This is something that is not really relevant to the blog but I need to include it to help me gather my thoughts. My dad dying was one of the hardest times of my life, he died of cancer, I was 10, I did not know what this meant, I did not even know that he was dying just that he was ill. He would tell me he was dying, that I was to look after my mum, but I was 10, I was told not to listen to him, so I guess I didn't. But he died, he died 1st February 2000, I lost my dad, he lost his tomorrows and I lost all my tomorrows with him. It was hard, but I got right back into life, I do still struggle with it now. I have accepted it, and I dream of him often so I receive comfort from that as I feel I still speak to him when I can. Psychics I have been to have told me he is with me and looks after me so again this brings me comfort.

My life since then has been a mixture of loses, the only other death I had to go through was with my grandma which was a few years after my dad. I speak of losses now in ways of heartbreak, any guy I have ever liked walked away from me, my ex broke me into pieces and I had a miscarriage.

I have always been a worrier and an overthinker but now I think my brain has decided it can no longer handle everything. I constantly stress, I worry I am going to have panic attacks so much that I do end up having them, I feel lost, I feel lonely, I feel like I will never feel normal again. I am scared, I am worried from my future, I do not want to be on medication. My friends are all so supportive and I know I can talk to them, but I do not know what I should be talking about. I thought I was accepting of everything that had happened in my past, I thought I had moved on from it all. However somewhere along the line something has gone wrong. I have made such a change in my life since my ex broke up with me and I have done so many good things, I have so much planned and I am happier....happier on the surface. Deep below that is an inter termoil that I just cannot seem to battle anymore. I no longer can stand being on my own, whilst before this is something I loved. When I am with others I feel better but I am still panicking that something will go wrong. I can be sat in bed, all calm and watching a film and I will have a horrid feeling in my chest that something bad is going to happen.

I know this is going off on a tangent but it is a part of my journey and since I regularly come back on here and read back on my messages, I feel it might help me to figure out my life a bit more. This may sound like the normal sob story where the little violin should be got out, but I do not care. Honestly I just want to be able to clear my head, to help sort through my thoughts and recognise that I can get through all this, I have done well so far, I am strong and I will only get stronger.

try, just a little and you will not regret it...

sharing is caring...

If anyone wants to message me and share with me their stories or wants some advice then I will be more than happy to hear from you. We all have our stories and some of them we don't want to share, but sharing them with a stranger can help lift a weight, sharing with someone you do not really know but has had similar experiences, sometimes this might just make a difference for you. So I am here for you, even if it seems nobody else is, why not give it a try.

why I write...

at it again...

Why do I do this to myself, it is my own fault but guess who became a fool....erm that would be me. So after updating this blog and after thinking wow I have come so far, curiosity got the better of me and I looked at old messages, cause I obviously saved them being a sentimental kid. And guess what....i cried, yep, tears all down the fake tan...great. I cannot believe how much I opened my heart to him in the end, I even made him write me a list of all the things he loved about me (that's the bit that made me cry), how much I explained and poured my heart out. In his defence he did also, he said he hopes this was the right decision and that it is hard for him to hear all this, but I just went on and on so well done to him for actually taking time to reply to my woffling. I was hurt and broken and I was dragging him down with me, I do honestly believe the love we had was strong and real. Just something came along and at that stage in our lives we could not battle through it....and now he has moved on. He said he could never close his heart off to me, I wonder if that is true. He also originally said that he wanted a break (a break to him was a few months) and I pushed and pushed for him to tell me he was breaking up, as I did not see a break as a few months. I think that is what gave me so much hope, he originally wanted a break for us to both sort out our heads so I assumed that even though I pushed for an ultimatum, I thought he still might have carried the flame. 

I forget to mention early, my friend whose partner works with him saw him in the gym a week or so ago and they were talking. He asked how they were getting on and if he saw any of her friends. The partner replied no because they are too busy and he replied 'yeah I never got to see her friends either'. Now hearing this shocked me, I was happy that he still had a thought of me, but I was annoyed that the thought was that. Yes he never got to see my friends that often but neither did I, our shifts clashed and at the time my friends were all single and so when they met up it was not a couples occasion. He did see them and I invited them round as often as I could. But I still do not like the fact that he holds on to that thought, that I kept him away because I most definitely did not. Is that one of his leaving thoughts of me, could he have not have said something else. I suppose I should just be grateful that he even mentioned me, that I am not a sour taste that he just wants to get rid of. Basically I had mixed feelings of him saying that to my friends partner but it did not affect me to tears, It did make me want to shout it off the rooftops like wtf, but I managed to not bore my friends with that and so instead I have just wrote it on here so I remember.

as time moves on so do i...

I have not had chance to come on here which is why this blog is now falling behind with my life. I am taking it as a good sign though, that I am obviously doing good, that I am finally moving on and he is nothing but a memory now. I do still think of him but the thoughts do not bother me any more, he has even creeped into my dreams but unlike before when I would wake up upset, I just wake up and feel confused as to why my brain chose to throw that in there. I am happy now, I am still single and I still have no interests, so at time I do get lonely and think about what was. But he is happy, he is doing good with his life and I am happy for him. I hope he has learnt from his past and can make the most of his future with who he is with now. I do have a slight bit of jealousy towards her, why could it not have been me but fate must have something else in store for me so I should look forward to the future and not live in the past.
I went to a psychic a few days ago who said I had two great loves in my past, two people who I had the strongest feelings for. But he also said there is someone else coming and that it will be a very serious relationship. I look forward to starting a new adventure.
My only main issue at the moment is anxiety and panic attacks, I am struggling with them so much in my day to day life. I feel like I have been strong for too long and now it is all catching up with me. I must admit this is when I do miss him, as sometimes I just want someone to hold, someone who cares and wants to help me. I just want a hug, a hug off him or someone who cares as much as he did. I want to break down and cry sometimes but feel like I cannot, and I have a horrid feeling inside of me which I struggle to get rid of. I have sought help, I need it, I am not finding pleasure in things I used to do because I am so worried and stressed about having a panic attack. I know I can get through this, I thought it was the end of the world when he broke up with me. I did not see any future for myself, I just saw heartbreak and sadness. So if I could pull myself through that then I am sure I can find the strength to get myself through this. I have to do things for me now, I have to look after myself. I have to be selfish and take my own thoughts and feelings into account. No one is worth getting myself stressed over. I feel him breaking up with me the same year I had a miscarriage and cancerous cells found in my cervix had just been bottled up, all them feelings all them emotions I have buried deep within. My body cannot handle any of that anymore, it cannot keep them stored and they must be rearing their ugly head in the form of panic and anxiety. I will get through this, I must.