I wanted to write a post that would continue about me moving on but for now there are other things that I need to get off my chest. I mentioned before how I am now struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, so much so that I have been to the Dr's and got medication as well as have my name down for therapy. My sister also has recently been put down for counselling. I only mention my sister because I think the past has finally caught up with us both.
My dad died when I was 10, she was around 6 or 7. This is something that is not really relevant to the blog but I need to include it to help me gather my thoughts. My dad dying was one of the hardest times of my life, he died of cancer, I was 10, I did not know what this meant, I did not even know that he was dying just that he was ill. He would tell me he was dying, that I was to look after my mum, but I was 10, I was told not to listen to him, so I guess I didn't. But he died, he died 1st February 2000, I lost my dad, he lost his tomorrows and I lost all my tomorrows with him. It was hard, but I got right back into life, I do still struggle with it now. I have accepted it, and I dream of him often so I receive comfort from that as I feel I still speak to him when I can. Psychics I have been to have told me he is with me and looks after me so again this brings me comfort.
My life since then has been a mixture of loses, the only other death I had to go through was with my grandma which was a few years after my dad. I speak of losses now in ways of heartbreak, any guy I have ever liked walked away from me, my ex broke me into pieces and I had a miscarriage.
I have always been a worrier and an overthinker but now I think my brain has decided it can no longer handle everything. I constantly stress, I worry I am going to have panic attacks so much that I do end up having them, I feel lost, I feel lonely, I feel like I will never feel normal again. I am scared, I am worried from my future, I do not want to be on medication. My friends are all so supportive and I know I can talk to them, but I do not know what I should be talking about. I thought I was accepting of everything that had happened in my past, I thought I had moved on from it all. However somewhere along the line something has gone wrong. I have made such a change in my life since my ex broke up with me and I have done so many good things, I have so much planned and I am happier....happier on the surface. Deep below that is an inter termoil that I just cannot seem to battle anymore. I no longer can stand being on my own, whilst before this is something I loved. When I am with others I feel better but I am still panicking that something will go wrong. I can be sat in bed, all calm and watching a film and I will have a horrid feeling in my chest that something bad is going to happen.
I know this is going off on a tangent but it is a part of my journey and since I regularly come back on here and read back on my messages, I feel it might help me to figure out my life a bit more. This may sound like the normal sob story where the little violin should be got out, but I do not care. Honestly I just want to be able to clear my head, to help sort through my thoughts and recognise that I can get through all this, I have done well so far, I am strong and I will only get stronger.
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