Why do I do this to myself, it is my own fault but guess who became a fool....erm that would be me. So after updating this blog and after thinking wow I have come so far, curiosity got the better of me and I looked at old messages, cause I obviously saved them being a sentimental kid. And guess what....i cried, yep, tears all down the fake tan...great. I cannot believe how much I opened my heart to him in the end, I even made him write me a list of all the things he loved about me (that's the bit that made me cry), how much I explained and poured my heart out. In his defence he did also, he said he hopes this was the right decision and that it is hard for him to hear all this, but I just went on and on so well done to him for actually taking time to reply to my woffling. I was hurt and broken and I was dragging him down with me, I do honestly believe the love we had was strong and real. Just something came along and at that stage in our lives we could not battle through it....and now he has moved on. He said he could never close his heart off to me, I wonder if that is true. He also originally said that he wanted a break (a break to him was a few months) and I pushed and pushed for him to tell me he was breaking up, as I did not see a break as a few months. I think that is what gave me so much hope, he originally wanted a break for us to both sort out our heads so I assumed that even though I pushed for an ultimatum, I thought he still might have carried the flame.
I forget to mention early, my friend whose partner works with him saw him in the gym a week or so ago and they were talking. He asked how they were getting on and if he saw any of her friends. The partner replied no because they are too busy and he replied 'yeah I never got to see her friends either'. Now hearing this shocked me, I was happy that he still had a thought of me, but I was annoyed that the thought was that. Yes he never got to see my friends that often but neither did I, our shifts clashed and at the time my friends were all single and so when they met up it was not a couples occasion. He did see them and I invited them round as often as I could. But I still do not like the fact that he holds on to that thought, that I kept him away because I most definitely did not. Is that one of his leaving thoughts of me, could he have not have said something else. I suppose I should just be grateful that he even mentioned me, that I am not a sour taste that he just wants to get rid of. Basically I had mixed feelings of him saying that to my friends partner but it did not affect me to tears, It did make me want to shout it off the rooftops like wtf, but I managed to not bore my friends with that and so instead I have just wrote it on here so I remember.
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