love is...

i need to find a way to move on...

i want you, just you...

pleasure or pain?...

what's sad about love...

48 hours...

So I am beginning to gather myself together again after a vile week. Even though he has not left my thoughts I have managed to restrain all emotional thoughts about writing him a letter and confessing my remaining love for him. I wrote the letter, I must have done it at least 5 times, and I must say it is quite a good read, I read online that if you want to do something like that, write it and wait 48 hours, if in that time you don't make any changes and still want to send it then go ahead, but if you change something then the 48 hours starts again. As hard as it was I managed to stick by this and I in the end it has meant me not sending him it, I don't think it would have done much but hurt me more as I feel I could write his reply myself. It probably would push him further away from me and I would not want that. When the day comes and should I wish to gain some major closure, then I will send it. But for now I am working on me, on getting my happiness back on tract and finding the way to accepting not everyone can stay no matter how hard we try.

tit for tat...

i love him...

why does it hurt so so much...

i can't deal with this anymore...

I love him, I still love him. Recent times have brought this all to the surface and I have shot myself right back down to that dark hole I thought I had crawled out of for good. The other day I sat in a dark room, I sat in silence and read our old conversations, looked at pictures. I cried and I cried and I hated myself for getting so upset. Why can't I let him go, why am I still tormented by the feelings I hold for him. I can't even move one because if I try then I just feel guilty, I compare everyone to him and at the end of the day all I want is to be next to him, hear him breathing and feel his heart against my face. I don't know what to do, I feel so low and sad right now. I was considering sending him a letter, explaining to him everything I need to say to help clear my head, to tell him he needs to know all this before I can let go and move on. I don't think the feelings are mutual anymore, I feel he is being more polite when I message him, rather than him wanting to talk to me. I feel horrid, I feel torn up inside and incomplete, I hate that a year and a half later he still has this hold on me. I hate how I don't know how he is feeling and so I am left to wonder. Do I send an email and face my fears, follow my heart and hope for the best. Or do I just accept that this is all over and try and pull myself out of this depressive feeling, a feeling where I don't know what to do with myself and no amount of distractions work. I hate myself right now, I hate that I have become so weak over a boy, but most of all I hate that I can't see a way out. That I constantly torture myself without even realising it and all it takes is for one trigger to send me right back down.
I am lost and I am crying out to be found.

full circle, and it all comes back...

I miss him so much, I feel like I have come round full circle and it makes me feel rotten inside. I am feeling like this because someone else I have been talking to has just all of a sudden gone quiet and I have no idea why, and this has just made all the feelings I have for him come running back. I know I shouldn't compare and I think I have done well most of the time however now I can't help it. I feel I have grown so much as a person and I want to show him how much I have and how far I have come along, how I have seen the errors in my ways and how I still have the deepest feelings for him. I just want to see him, talk to him and be in his company. I miss him so so much, and even though in the end it all went wrong I can't help but ignore that. He is such a good guy but like all of us he is broke in a way he doesn't want to fix. I need to realise this, I need to keep telling myself that it was not meant to be but apart of me will always want him back and I can't even deny that. Hope is a killer, I wish I could turn my back to it but I can't. What's meant to be will find a way, I do believe this and I hope this is what brings us back eventually when we have grown into more stronger people. I love him, and I know I am hurting myself by clinging on or at least keeping him in my heart but I don't know anything else and I'm not sure I want to. I am a broken person because of him, and no matter how hard I try to build myself back up, he is cemented in between the bricks and I will always carry him with me.

be careful where you tread...

him....always him

in breaking me you gave me knowledge...

Even though it hurts and I have lost something I thought I never would, I have gained so much in experience and knowledge, I guess that is a silver lining

this is more true than I know...

he remains...

i always relate to the words...

missing you is a part of me...

you still haunt my dreams...

Ive had two dreams with him in recently, and both times he has been the one who has wanted to rekindle what we once had. I have been confused each time, I have not known how to handle it but in the end I always cave in and we end up embracing in that oh so familiar way. I wake up not feeling sad, I rarely get upset by him now which is good, but I just get confused. Why is my mind doing this to me, why must I have to go through something like this in a time when I should be looking forward to new people and new faces for me to get to know. My mind sure knows how to mess with me when I think everything is going okay.

best to get it out now while I can...

confused yet aware of every little feeling...

future hopes...

deception...

I dreamed a dream...

...and he came back into my life via a dream. I thought I had got over these dreams by now but last night for no reason at all he crept back. I have no idea why because I have not even thought about him for a while now, I have not stalked ha I have not looked at a photo so it was my mind just knowing how to mess itself up. 

The dream basically was him messaging me normal and then saying he loved me, and then went on to say so many other things, I cannot remember what exactly now, however he was explaining everything that went wrong and how much has changed and we are better people now. I was gobsmacked, I did not know what to say, but I knew I was moving on because my reply to him wanted to be to try again but I actually was going for the why now....why so late...I cannot deal with this now...I am moving on. So I am happy with myself that although my mind conjured up something that will never happen but I wanted for so long, and yet I still decided I did not want it when it actually happened. But I have now spent the majority of today thinking of him, soooo I guess I will never win when it comes to him and my feelings.