crazy right?...

Last night, before I went to sleep I created this whole conversation between me and him. An imaginary one, one where I received a message of him wanting to speak and wanting to tell me something. I created it word for word and I have no idea why, it sounds crazy right?! But for some reason my brain decided it would do a role play all by itself. I had his reply and my reply to a tee, I knew how I would reply and then I gave a response by which I think he would definitely say. I just could not get him off by brain last night, and I think it is at night when he manages to creep into my thoughts the most. At night, when there is nothing else to think about but falling asleep, my brain kicks into action and just starts creating all this crazy scenarios, that would obviously never happen in real life, unless I lived in a movie world. I guess this is just something my mind wants to do to comfort itself, like a baby with a blanket, it chooses to wrap itself up in these weird scenarios and almost rock itself to sleep with the thought of 'why couldn't this happen one day.' Apart from that I have only wished to speak to him a few times and that has been because I have seen something that has immediately made me think of him and I have wanted to share this with him. However I have resisted the temptation as I know that once I have sent that text, I will feel like I then have to make a conversation, a conversation he might be too busy to get involved in but be too polite to say. A conversation that I deep down will help to provide my mind with an extra layer on that blanket and offer me some hope. And to be honest, I am tired of hoping. Hope is what killed me the most in the end, I wished for the best but I never planned for the worst. I just kept hoping that things would turn around and end up for the better. Even now I know I do have that hope still, hidden in the depths of my mind. I know I can keep it there as long as I don't provide it with any material to grow into something that will affect me once again. I need to be strong and I need to just live with what little thoughts of him remain, until I know that I can fall asleep without wishing he was next to me, without trying to make myself remember how we smelt and what his skin felt like against mine. I need to be able to get by without stirring every conversation towards him ( I say it in the innocent manner but I know deep down, and everyone else can see it crystal clear, its because I am not yet fully over him). Time heals all wounds, but then again time sure does drag when your not having fun.