the salty taste of tears...

Right now, well the past few days I have been feeling really emotional. Anything is making my heart make a twist and cause my face to distort into that face you make just before tears come down, I can feel the tightness in my throat and I have no idea why. Is it from all my feelings that I am working so hard to suppress? Is it my minds way of letting me know that someone who meant so much to me has gone and will not return? I know about memory suppression and how it is harmful to yourself in the long run, these things cannot be hid forever and will eventually change you in one way or another or all come pouring out. But I have embraced reality, I have finally accepted that me and him are not to be so why do I feel so sad. There is nothing in my life that is making me upset, I am happy (or at least I think I am), and it is literally anything that will make me want to burst into tears. Yes I am a girl but it is not near that dreaded week yet so I cannot even use that as an excuse. I just feel like something is missing, and maybe if I looked for a reason really hard it could be because of my holiday coming up. A holiday, a family holiday where everyone is bringing their other halves, except for me. A holiday where I will be a third wheel everyday. Perhaps this is what is causing my brain to unconsciously make me feel sadness. Reminding me that I am single and I will not be able to share this holiday experience with another. In the evenings they will all be sat around discussing the day and getting to fall asleep next to the one they love, and I, well I will be lying there most probably thinking of him. It will not be intentional I'm sure, I don't plan on making myself think of him and what we had but I know it is almost inevitable, he still manages to creep into my thoughts most nights before I go to sleep. I have wanted to speak to him the past few days as well, I have thought of ways, of excuses, I could text him with to spark a conversation. I have resisted however, as I know it would probably end up with me feeling more let down rather than elated. Who knew, a year and a bit later he would still be plaguing my thoughts, that he would be having an effect on my mind without him even meaning to. The road to moving on is obviously still a long hard way ahead.