it hurts...

You know when you can feel yourself going down a deep spiral of sadness, when you can feel yourself being dragged down but cannot do anything about it. That is exactly where I am now, all I can feel is the negative moods, I might be able to lift my spirits for a short space of a time but then the sadness overwhelms me, I honestly cannot find the joy in life anymore. I don't know what to do, I refuse to let myself get into a depression but right now I cannot find any other way out.

I hate that all this is because of my feelings towards him, and I know it is that because nothing else in my life is affecting me in such a way. It is down to my own stubbornness, I know this, if I would just send him the letter, place all my cards on the table and see if he replies then at least I can say I tried and now I must move on. But I won't, and I can't because then that will distinguish the fire of hope I have burning inside of me and I feel that is the one thing that is keeping me going just a little bit. A reason to get up and go in the morning, just in case today is the day something happens and I can start to be happy again. Yes this also means I am scared of being rejected, scared of finding out the truth, terrified that he is with someone else and much happier, finding this all out would break me again but in the long run would it really help? I am just not ready for the feeling that will come after, I cannot handle being broken again, to see his reply and his words telling me nothing has changed and he thinks we should stay apart. The hope whispers that he might not say this but I know he will because he would have spoke to me otherwise.

I am going to try and power on, I am going to try and find my own happiness again buried deep and try and realise once again that this is for the best, that it is obviously meant to be no matter how much I wish it was not. Distractions do not work anymore, and the mind is a powerful thing so I just need to find a way to change my thoughts. I need to either be strong, have courage and send him the letter and accept the reply or go on always wondering what he is thinking and where he is at. Either way I am going to hurt myself, but which one is worth the pain.