the letter...

I am posting the letter up on here as I hope that this helps me not to send it to him. I know this would seriously mess with his head and I don't think I am ready for that just yet. So to keep in line with what this blog is about I am going to post it. What do you think? 

I write this with no expectation, hope or agenda. I write this simply so I do not go through the rest of my days wishing I would have told you how I feel, I have decided to be brave and just say it, I am placing all my cards down in the hope that my mind will be put to rest. I am aware you are with someone now so forgive me for the timing of this message however I have tried holding back sending this for at least 6 months now and I simply cannot do it any longer. I hope you can read this through, and I hope it doesn’t make you feel too uncomfortable or awkward, that is not my aim. I do not expect you to reply, however, should you feel the need to reply then it would be gratefully received.

Anyway I am waffling, as always, so to get straight to the point, the deep feelings I had for you still exist, in this past year and a half I have tried to kill it, to run from it, to move on, but I can’t. I said I loved you and I have never looked back. Missing you has just become a part of me. I know it has been a while now but my feelings for you have not changed, I haven’t sat in a dark room for this whole time clutching photos and making no attempt to get on with my life without you, I have made every effort to move on but at the end of the day I still want you, I compare everything to you.                                            

You still dominate my thoughts and it takes so much for me not to message you on a regular basis as I always feel like I am pestering you. I find myself still talking about you and your son to everyone I know, even to m and k although that was regarding bathrooms and tiles ha but what I’m trying to say is you occupy my thoughts more than I thought would be right after all this time. It sounds all so cliché but I am still thinking of you before I fall asleep, when my phone goes off a little bit of me always hopes that it might be from you. You made me smile, you made me happy, you made me sad, but above all I fell in love with you and I can’t seem to forget this. I stopped seeing you and your son because I didn’t know how that was panning out, I didn’t know if it was wanted or just done out of politeness, so to not complicate things I thought it was best if I left it.

I feel foolish saying that I am still caught up in ‘us’ that it hurts so much sometimes, but I am afraid it is true. I don’t want to keep bothering you which I feel I do by texting you, there is no hidden agenda behind my texts I just like being able to talk to you. Am I torturing myself by holding on to the past as that’s all we have left, possibly, but at the same time it feels like holding on is the right thing to do, why throw away something you care so much about. I understand time has passed and we have both lived our separate lives, we have grown in our own ways but the only thing that hasn’t changed for me is how I feel about you. I hate how I haven’t been able to move on, but you were so much a part of my life that I can’t help but do it. I have hope by getting this all out will help me to sort out my head and know I have said everything I could possibly say, and then maybe I will be able to move on once and for all.

If you have read this far, then thank you, I’m going to end this now as I know this is hard enough to receive never mind to read. I am sorry it has come out of the blue, but like I said I didn’t even know if I should send this, Disney did not write my life, things do not work like the movies, but I need to get this off my chest, so I hope you don’t hate me for this. I don’t deny the past and what went on, I made heart breaking mistakes but I never stopped loving you. What I think doesn’t fix everything or anything but it hurts more to keep inside so this is me opening up for one last time and being as honest as I could ever be. At the end of it all I just want you to understand that you were a big part of my life and I am happy you are happy but I needed to say all this because otherwise my mind will never rest. I apologise if this appears to be an over the top declaration of love, or an attempt to work my way into your heart again, I do not mean for it to be that. We are friends and I am more than grateful for that, this is just me laying my cards down and letting you know how I feel, and for you to know that if you ever needed me I would be there for you no matter what.

Love the girl who seems to write essays as a hobby