time to love me...

broken...

a friend...

my final message to him...

I understand that you have a lot of things going on in your life, and I am sorry if I added more stress to your life by holding on for so long with this, I apologise for how long it took for me to let things go. I accept and respect your views, I am just happy I know now and can lift this ‘what if’ weight of my shoulders. 

I think in me trying to move on I was really just holding on, and I missed you so much because I kept the memory of us alive too much. Perhaps I held on because I was scared that something that felt so great would not happen twice and perhaps I was hoping too much that we would find a way to turn the clock back to what it used to be. I guess I was naïve. But time does heal all wounds and I know I can move on one day, and I understand now that moving on is more about accepting that you still have room in your heart to love a person but you don’t need to be with them to be happy

It’s been a long hard road, and we have both gone our separate journeys, but in sending this I hope I have finally found the closure I need to move on. I am happy our paths crossed and for all the times we shared, I would not trade them for the world, and I take comfort in the fact that the love we shared was real. You’ve made me realise a lot of things about myself, I am stronger now because of you. I am going to miss you but I want you to be happy, I'm happy you have found someone who gets to feel the way I did when I was in your presence, she truly is a lucky girl.

To the moon and back remember…

the reply...

He replied, he is happy and he has moved on and he hopes I can do also, I just need to let myself move on. I know he is right, and I am happy he replied but I cannot say that it didnt make me want to cry when I read that. I didnt, I managed to stay strong but it did upset me a little to know he is happy without me in my life, but at the same time I am happy he is happy. I just need to make the extra effort to move on now, I have said all I can do and he has told me where he stands. There is no more wondering left for me to do, no more thoughts my brain can magic up and create as everything has finally been said. I hope in a few days it will all settle in and the peace will finally begin. I miss him and he knows this now, but I can love him and him not to be my heart, that is what moving on is about after all. He was a chapter in my book and now I have to turn the page, I have to accept it and look forward to a new adventure.

out of order...

be sure...

He acknowledged the sending of my email, and just seeing his name pop up on my phone sent me in shock, like I began shaking and felt so cold. The effect he has on me is so strange, it is so so strong after all this time and I guess it is because the feelings I hold for him are still equally as strong. The fact that he acknowledged and said he would reply when he had time was more than I could have asked for, I did not expect a reply, I expected him to read it and just get angry, delete it and be annoyed that I had thrown this on his plate. It has sent my mind in a frenzy today knowing that I will receive a reply, waiting on the message that tells me thank you for my thoughts but it is not going to happen. But I have kept busy and distracted myself and I am happier now, I know I have sent it and he has read it. I know I have nothing else to say, the big 'what if' weight can be lifted off my shoulders and I know where I stand, and how I can go about moving on. I have put this off for 6 months and I felt no better for not sending it to him. So if anyone is considering sending their ex a message, I would say make sure you are ready for no response or a response which could send you back down a spiral. Be sure that you want this, and you know it will make you feel better in the long run. Take the chance, be brave and just pour your heart out. You can't regret being honest, how that person replies is up to them, but least you will know from then on that you did all you could do, you fought until your very last breath.

I did it...

I sent the letter, I had changed it a bit but I finally sent it. I have chosen to be selfish for my own sanity and right now my heart pounds faster than a race horse, but you know what, I think it will be worth it. I have said it now, there is nothing else I can do, no more sitting around thinking what if, I have emptied my heart of words to him and now there is nothing more I can do. Maybe I will be able to finally move on and be at peace. I do not envy him having to read the letter, no one would have a joyful time to receive and read that, especially since I know he is with someone. That is one reason I did not want to send it him, who am I to mess with his head and throw a confession on to his plate. But you know what, sometimes you have to be selfish, sometimes you have to do what is best for you despite what everybody else says. Do I hope he replies? In some ways yes, as it would be an acknowledgement of me pouring my heart out. At the same time I do not want him to, seing his email address pop up and having that sickening feeling of having to open it, I don't think I have quite prepared myself for that. Either way I know the end result, my heart hopes for the positive but I know what will come, I am just glad that I have now said everything. My heart is done with that story, it now, after 2 whole years, can finally catch up with the letting go process. And I hope someday soon I am able to find someone else who will make me forget all the love I hold for him.

x...

dreams of him...

For some reason my mind thinks it is a good idea to torture my hear on a regular basis, isn't the mind supposed to be the clever one telling me rational thoughts. Well I dreamt of him last night, he was still in a relationship, and I think she might have even been pregnant. Yet I met up with him and although I tried to resist the temptation I gave in to the flirty ways and he even kissed me, but just to go back to her after. The thing is this is almost a reoccurring dream, each time I dream of him I try to not show him how much I want him and yet by the end I cant resist. But this morning I have woken up and I am so annoyed at how my mind has decided to throw that in, I don't need it, I don't need to wake up thinking 'wow I had him back again for a moment' just to realise that a. it was a dream and b. he was still with his girlfriend anyway even in the dream so that hurts. Why am I still thinking of him so much, this is not normal.

Also I had my cards read the a few weeks ago with a psychic, and she read my cards the exact way I had them read 3 years ago with another psychic, a.k.a I was with him in them. This new one did not tell me I would meet someone new she just went on as if me and him were together and will be together for a while, as she spoke about marriage and kids with him. It was so strange to hear because a. it was like I had stepped back in time, b. she was so wrong c. was she reading my thoughts and that is where my thoughts are at at this moment in time. I have no idea, but why am I not meeting someone new, am I fated to get back with him, who knows and only time will tell but it sure did confuse me. Perhaps that is why my brain is creating all these magical scenarios up in my dreams because subconsciously I am thinking about it all and wondering if any of it will be true. Either way I have now woken up in a sort of rubbish mood, I can still see his face as it was in my dream, I can still feel his touch. I cannot wait until that disappears among the normal runnings of my day, it breaks my heart to relive them when they are not real.

learning to ignore...