if only...

As much as I love to read about fate and destiny and how people end up back together after years of being apart, I am also immensely jealous that some can find a way to rekindle. I hope one day fate will bring me back into his arms again however I also have to stop fantasizing that and should probably be a bit more realistic. The question is, if we did make our way back to each other would it work out this time, or would it all just be a cover up fro the first few months before the cracks start to appear again. 

Curiosity killed the cat, but I think it would be worth it.

be careful, for I only seem to cause damage...

right now...

at night I think...

I hate that I still cry...

I can't sleep. I cannot for the life of me get him off my mind, and you know what...all I want to do is cry right now. I have shed one single tear and honestly I am angry at myself for doing so. I do not know what it is but tonight all I can think of is him, of everything that we were and what happened, both the good and bad. I hate how he still has this power over me, granted it is power I have created, he has not spoken to me for months now and I have not seen him so it is purely my own mind creating all this. And it kills me, why can't I move on, why am I here, a year later still thinking of him before I go to sleep? Still wishing he is lying next to me right this moment. Why can't I picture my life with anybody else but him? I am trying my hardest not to think all these thoughts but it is so much easier to say than it is to do. I torture myself but I don't know how to stop. Am I subconsciously punishing myself for everything going so wrong? What is he doing now? Does he still think of me? Does he have a little art of his mind that thinks we may one day have a chance of getting back together? Right now, I am a mess. I have to be up for work in 4 hours so I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up tomorrow feeling much more positive and happier about everything. Even though I am going through some big changes in my life which should mean I am happier, it just makes me think of him more. I do not know where I going to go from here....it honestly feels never ending.

easier to say than do...

how many people know your secrets?...

thoughts...

moving on or trying to forget?...

torn between the two...

sto-i-cism, indifference to pleasure or pain...

look inside...

the salty taste of tears...

Right now, well the past few days I have been feeling really emotional. Anything is making my heart make a twist and cause my face to distort into that face you make just before tears come down, I can feel the tightness in my throat and I have no idea why. Is it from all my feelings that I am working so hard to suppress? Is it my minds way of letting me know that someone who meant so much to me has gone and will not return? I know about memory suppression and how it is harmful to yourself in the long run, these things cannot be hid forever and will eventually change you in one way or another or all come pouring out. But I have embraced reality, I have finally accepted that me and him are not to be so why do I feel so sad. There is nothing in my life that is making me upset, I am happy (or at least I think I am), and it is literally anything that will make me want to burst into tears. Yes I am a girl but it is not near that dreaded week yet so I cannot even use that as an excuse. I just feel like something is missing, and maybe if I looked for a reason really hard it could be because of my holiday coming up. A holiday, a family holiday where everyone is bringing their other halves, except for me. A holiday where I will be a third wheel everyday. Perhaps this is what is causing my brain to unconsciously make me feel sadness. Reminding me that I am single and I will not be able to share this holiday experience with another. In the evenings they will all be sat around discussing the day and getting to fall asleep next to the one they love, and I, well I will be lying there most probably thinking of him. It will not be intentional I'm sure, I don't plan on making myself think of him and what we had but I know it is almost inevitable, he still manages to creep into my thoughts most nights before I go to sleep. I have wanted to speak to him the past few days as well, I have thought of ways, of excuses, I could text him with to spark a conversation. I have resisted however, as I know it would probably end up with me feeling more let down rather than elated. Who knew, a year and a bit later he would still be plaguing my thoughts, that he would be having an effect on my mind without him even meaning to. The road to moving on is obviously still a long hard way ahead.

i want...

just because...

I think this describes a lot of how I feel towards texting him or getting in contact. I want to be there but at the same time is it appropriate? If I didn't text him to ask to see his son he wouldn't offer for me to come around and spend some time, therefore I have come to see me being there for him as a bit of a nuisance. Something he has to put up with just to keep the peace, but that is what makes me feel so uncomfortable sometimes, that I am forcing myself back into their lives. At the same time I need him to know that I will be there for him if he ever wanted to talk or need something, no matter what. Its a constant battle between doing what is right for the situation and doing what is right for my heart.

good morning...

a different perspective...

2+2=5...

crazy right?...

Last night, before I went to sleep I created this whole conversation between me and him. An imaginary one, one where I received a message of him wanting to speak and wanting to tell me something. I created it word for word and I have no idea why, it sounds crazy right?! But for some reason my brain decided it would do a role play all by itself. I had his reply and my reply to a tee, I knew how I would reply and then I gave a response by which I think he would definitely say. I just could not get him off by brain last night, and I think it is at night when he manages to creep into my thoughts the most. At night, when there is nothing else to think about but falling asleep, my brain kicks into action and just starts creating all this crazy scenarios, that would obviously never happen in real life, unless I lived in a movie world. I guess this is just something my mind wants to do to comfort itself, like a baby with a blanket, it chooses to wrap itself up in these weird scenarios and almost rock itself to sleep with the thought of 'why couldn't this happen one day.' Apart from that I have only wished to speak to him a few times and that has been because I have seen something that has immediately made me think of him and I have wanted to share this with him. However I have resisted the temptation as I know that once I have sent that text, I will feel like I then have to make a conversation, a conversation he might be too busy to get involved in but be too polite to say. A conversation that I deep down will help to provide my mind with an extra layer on that blanket and offer me some hope. And to be honest, I am tired of hoping. Hope is what killed me the most in the end, I wished for the best but I never planned for the worst. I just kept hoping that things would turn around and end up for the better. Even now I know I do have that hope still, hidden in the depths of my mind. I know I can keep it there as long as I don't provide it with any material to grow into something that will affect me once again. I need to be strong and I need to just live with what little thoughts of him remain, until I know that I can fall asleep without wishing he was next to me, without trying to make myself remember how we smelt and what his skin felt like against mine. I need to be able to get by without stirring every conversation towards him ( I say it in the innocent manner but I know deep down, and everyone else can see it crystal clear, its because I am not yet fully over him). Time heals all wounds, but then again time sure does drag when your not having fun.

not everything can be fixed...

a dream from nowhere...

Just when I thought I was finally doing well, all the pain just came flooding back as the result of a dream. It is like my brain wants to torture my heart by coming up with all these thoughts and scenarios, to remind my heart that it is broken. The majority of the time I have kept it back, like an itch you shouldn't scratch, it sits there. I am aware of its presence but I choose not to go there and scratch away at it as I know what will follow will be more painful.

And I dreamt of him last night. But not just him, him son as well and his son made me cry because he asked why I never see him anymore and he gave me a massive hug. I cried, in my dream and I woke up crying. I woke up broken again also, when usually I dream of me and him rekindling and starting back up, this time it was worse, it is one of the things you would dread to see in real life when walking down the street; he was with another girl. Now in real life I know this would result in me probably having a full on panic attack, I would not be able to breathe and my heart would race like it is in the grand national. In my dream, I was more accepting; at first. Then as my dream went on, and for whatever reason we were at an occasion where we were to spend the day together, and by the end I was trying not to cry; but then I woke up and I cried.

How dare my brain be so selfish and conjure up these thoughts. How dare it think of something like this when it knows it will break me. I feel betrayed by my own thoughts, I had been doing so well. I didn't dream of him anymore, I had begun to grasp the fact that it is over and he is not interested in trying to start again. I was becoming more accepting, more used to the ways of my new chapter in life. Then this happens and I am truly disappointed, I feel like when before I was nearing the top ready to ring the bell, I have now been knocked back down several steps. Whilst before I could go days and days of not letting him be the majority of my thoughts, I know today he is going to be all I think about. I am going to have to try my hardest not to text him, not to message him just to see how he is. I have come this far, I can't cave in after one dream. Distraction is needed, I will read, I will type, I will clean and I will go for a walk. Anything to take my mind of what was and begin to focus again on what is.