comfort in beau...

I'm pathetic...

I feel like I am always repeating myself when I write this so I do apologise. The thing is, I am at it again, I am dreaming of him, dreams where we meet up and either he ignores me and is with someone else or where we kiss and all the feelings come flooding back.

It has been nearly 2 years! 2 years!

Why am I not like everyone else. Why can't I shut him out and be able to move on. Does my heart enjoy tormenting itself that much that it is just going to carry on with this forever. Or if you like to think in the more magical ways, is it my heart trying to tell me something and I should not ignore it. Yes I am a girl and therefore I over think everything and anything, but how can I ignore something that is forever in my head. I have spent everyday thinking of him, I have tried not to cry, I have tried to think of other things but he always manages to creep back in. What am I supposed to do about it? I am permanently wondering what he might be doing and how he is. I see things and I just want to tell him about it. I am glad the urge to text him has gone, and that is purely because I know I get more hurt by texting him than if I just torture myself, at least then I have some control. If someone could read my head and my thoughts they would think I was just starting out with him, that me and him were fresh and had all our adventures ahead of us. However this is not the case, I am just trapped under his spell and I refuse to try and break free. I love him but why do I have to be reminded of something that will never be every single day. Life is not like the movies, you don't just break up with someone and a few months later a new knight in shining armour shows up to whisk you away to happily ever after. Poets did not write about that, they wrote about how love torments you, how having your heartbroken is like torture and living with unrequited love. You know why I also hate myself, because after all this time I am still hanging on to hope. Hope, that 4 letter word that just brings with it so much misery. Yes, I am hoping we are going to bump into each other and be able to rekindle what we had, I am an idiot. All these quotes I post and yet I clearly don't take my own advice, if he wanted to speak to me he would, I need to ingrain that into my head, Otherwise I am just going to make myself look like a pathetic fool.

old times...

Now I know why I always want to fall asleep early, why I choose sleep over most other things. It is to stop myself from feeling low and from letting my mind go crazy in its own madness. Instead I get to dream away and live my life however my brain decides. For tonight though I have been looking at old photos on facebook, and when I see ones that he has commented on I cannot help but feel a bit of pain in my heart. I do not cry, which is a plus, but I do feel some sadness towards it all and I know if I did not stop myself I probably would have gone back to reading all his old messages (which I still have) and then probably moved on to the letter I never sent but feel one day I will. Alas, I have not, I have resisted and tried to distract myself otherwise, but I still have the niggling feeling in me that I am missing something, missing an emotion or a feeling, almost feeling anxious, and I know there is no other explanation but my own self torture of looking at my life back when I was with him. I know now these feelings will probably never leave me, it is just learning how to control them so they do not manage to take over my whole mind. I am a work in progress, a slow slow journey I am on but I know one day I will get there.

love is me and him...

I love him...

I love him and I know I always will, but for now I have to learn how to forget someone otherwise my thoughts will torture me more than the heartbreak itself

advice to those who seek it...

today I revisit the past...

I am battling my emotions right now as I am looking after my friends house and the last time I did this, he was with me. It was around Halloween and he was working but he left me a carved pumpkin on the roof of my car outside her house, it was carved with I LOVE YOU. It was amazing. So sitting here now I just think of the time we spent together here, how he kept me company and stayed here when he was working rather than going back to his own house. I have tried so hard today to distract myself and not get upset and so far I have done okay, the thoughts are there however I am trying to be strong and not keep dwelling on this, something which my brain seems to enjoy. I have resisted texting him, as much as I want to (any excuse) to tell him where I am and remember this and remember that etc. But that is not what he wants to hear, like what if he is with someone and I send him that. It will not be well received and he will just think why is she doing this. Hmmmm I will get through this and I will not text him, I will just sit and remember the good times I got to spend with him here. If only I could guarantee these memories will never go or fade away.

me and you...

update...

I have not posted in a while as I have been busy, however I also feel it is because I do not quite know how I feel anymore. I am glad my period of sadness has gone, I am glad I did not send that letter to him, however this does not mean that I will never send it as I feel it will be have to be one day in order for me to fully move on. Whilst my thoughts are okay with it all though I will save myself the stress of sending him it. He still plagues my every thought but I have learnt how to accept these thoughts now, that he will always be a big part of my life and I should feel happy that I still think of him because he obviously meant that much to me. One day I do hope that I will be able to move on completely but for now I am satisfied just being a girl with thoughts of the past. I do still wonder if he thinks of me and if he ever wants to contact me and arrange a meeting like I do, but then again if he did I suppose he would have done it already. I guess we will just have to wait and see where this road takes me....

wait...

every day I am torn...

love is...

i need to find a way to move on...

i want you, just you...

pleasure or pain?...

what's sad about love...

48 hours...

So I am beginning to gather myself together again after a vile week. Even though he has not left my thoughts I have managed to restrain all emotional thoughts about writing him a letter and confessing my remaining love for him. I wrote the letter, I must have done it at least 5 times, and I must say it is quite a good read, I read online that if you want to do something like that, write it and wait 48 hours, if in that time you don't make any changes and still want to send it then go ahead, but if you change something then the 48 hours starts again. As hard as it was I managed to stick by this and I in the end it has meant me not sending him it, I don't think it would have done much but hurt me more as I feel I could write his reply myself. It probably would push him further away from me and I would not want that. When the day comes and should I wish to gain some major closure, then I will send it. But for now I am working on me, on getting my happiness back on tract and finding the way to accepting not everyone can stay no matter how hard we try.

tit for tat...

i love him...

why does it hurt so so much...

i can't deal with this anymore...

I love him, I still love him. Recent times have brought this all to the surface and I have shot myself right back down to that dark hole I thought I had crawled out of for good. The other day I sat in a dark room, I sat in silence and read our old conversations, looked at pictures. I cried and I cried and I hated myself for getting so upset. Why can't I let him go, why am I still tormented by the feelings I hold for him. I can't even move one because if I try then I just feel guilty, I compare everyone to him and at the end of the day all I want is to be next to him, hear him breathing and feel his heart against my face. I don't know what to do, I feel so low and sad right now. I was considering sending him a letter, explaining to him everything I need to say to help clear my head, to tell him he needs to know all this before I can let go and move on. I don't think the feelings are mutual anymore, I feel he is being more polite when I message him, rather than him wanting to talk to me. I feel horrid, I feel torn up inside and incomplete, I hate that a year and a half later he still has this hold on me. I hate how I don't know how he is feeling and so I am left to wonder. Do I send an email and face my fears, follow my heart and hope for the best. Or do I just accept that this is all over and try and pull myself out of this depressive feeling, a feeling where I don't know what to do with myself and no amount of distractions work. I hate myself right now, I hate that I have become so weak over a boy, but most of all I hate that I can't see a way out. That I constantly torture myself without even realising it and all it takes is for one trigger to send me right back down.
I am lost and I am crying out to be found.

full circle, and it all comes back...

I miss him so much, I feel like I have come round full circle and it makes me feel rotten inside. I am feeling like this because someone else I have been talking to has just all of a sudden gone quiet and I have no idea why, and this has just made all the feelings I have for him come running back. I know I shouldn't compare and I think I have done well most of the time however now I can't help it. I feel I have grown so much as a person and I want to show him how much I have and how far I have come along, how I have seen the errors in my ways and how I still have the deepest feelings for him. I just want to see him, talk to him and be in his company. I miss him so so much, and even though in the end it all went wrong I can't help but ignore that. He is such a good guy but like all of us he is broke in a way he doesn't want to fix. I need to realise this, I need to keep telling myself that it was not meant to be but apart of me will always want him back and I can't even deny that. Hope is a killer, I wish I could turn my back to it but I can't. What's meant to be will find a way, I do believe this and I hope this is what brings us back eventually when we have grown into more stronger people. I love him, and I know I am hurting myself by clinging on or at least keeping him in my heart but I don't know anything else and I'm not sure I want to. I am a broken person because of him, and no matter how hard I try to build myself back up, he is cemented in between the bricks and I will always carry him with me.

be careful where you tread...

him....always him