I need to tell you something...

It has happened, I found out today off my friend that my ex is with someone new now. When she first told me my heart dropped but I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would. Yes I am not too pleased in hearing this, but it has been nearly 2 years so I can't expect him not to move on. The good thing is it means I don't have to send that letter and I don't have to rejected by him, to hear them words coming out of his mouth 'I am with someone' would have hurt me more than my friend telling me. Least now I know and I can try and move on with my life instead of moping about thinking what if. I think I may be in a state of a shock that I have just found this out as I can't say I am feeling many emotions just I feel flat, a bit deflated. There is a lot more going on in my head which is probably affecting how I feel towards this but I am happy for him and good luck to them both. It did not work for me and him but if I forget about the last few months of our relationship, then he was the best boyfriend there ever was, he did everything right and he set the expectations bar so so high, he really was a mr romantic. I still obviously love him but I can at least now concentrate on trying to dull them feelings, I can tell hope that there is no need for it anymore, my heart and brain can finally breathe out and relax.

the letter...

I am posting the letter up on here as I hope that this helps me not to send it to him. I know this would seriously mess with his head and I don't think I am ready for that just yet. So to keep in line with what this blog is about I am going to post it. What do you think? 

I write this with no expectation, hope or agenda. I write this simply so I do not go through the rest of my days wishing I would have told you how I feel, I have decided to be brave and just say it, I am placing all my cards down in the hope that my mind will be put to rest. I am aware you are with someone now so forgive me for the timing of this message however I have tried holding back sending this for at least 6 months now and I simply cannot do it any longer. I hope you can read this through, and I hope it doesn’t make you feel too uncomfortable or awkward, that is not my aim. I do not expect you to reply, however, should you feel the need to reply then it would be gratefully received.

Anyway I am waffling, as always, so to get straight to the point, the deep feelings I had for you still exist, in this past year and a half I have tried to kill it, to run from it, to move on, but I can’t. I said I loved you and I have never looked back. Missing you has just become a part of me. I know it has been a while now but my feelings for you have not changed, I haven’t sat in a dark room for this whole time clutching photos and making no attempt to get on with my life without you, I have made every effort to move on but at the end of the day I still want you, I compare everything to you.                                            

You still dominate my thoughts and it takes so much for me not to message you on a regular basis as I always feel like I am pestering you. I find myself still talking about you and your son to everyone I know, even to m and k although that was regarding bathrooms and tiles ha but what I’m trying to say is you occupy my thoughts more than I thought would be right after all this time. It sounds all so cliché but I am still thinking of you before I fall asleep, when my phone goes off a little bit of me always hopes that it might be from you. You made me smile, you made me happy, you made me sad, but above all I fell in love with you and I can’t seem to forget this. I stopped seeing you and your son because I didn’t know how that was panning out, I didn’t know if it was wanted or just done out of politeness, so to not complicate things I thought it was best if I left it.

I feel foolish saying that I am still caught up in ‘us’ that it hurts so much sometimes, but I am afraid it is true. I don’t want to keep bothering you which I feel I do by texting you, there is no hidden agenda behind my texts I just like being able to talk to you. Am I torturing myself by holding on to the past as that’s all we have left, possibly, but at the same time it feels like holding on is the right thing to do, why throw away something you care so much about. I understand time has passed and we have both lived our separate lives, we have grown in our own ways but the only thing that hasn’t changed for me is how I feel about you. I hate how I haven’t been able to move on, but you were so much a part of my life that I can’t help but do it. I have hope by getting this all out will help me to sort out my head and know I have said everything I could possibly say, and then maybe I will be able to move on once and for all.

If you have read this far, then thank you, I’m going to end this now as I know this is hard enough to receive never mind to read. I am sorry it has come out of the blue, but like I said I didn’t even know if I should send this, Disney did not write my life, things do not work like the movies, but I need to get this off my chest, so I hope you don’t hate me for this. I don’t deny the past and what went on, I made heart breaking mistakes but I never stopped loving you. What I think doesn’t fix everything or anything but it hurts more to keep inside so this is me opening up for one last time and being as honest as I could ever be. At the end of it all I just want you to understand that you were a big part of my life and I am happy you are happy but I needed to say all this because otherwise my mind will never rest. I apologise if this appears to be an over the top declaration of love, or an attempt to work my way into your heart again, I do not mean for it to be that. We are friends and I am more than grateful for that, this is just me laying my cards down and letting you know how I feel, and for you to know that if you ever needed me I would be there for you no matter what.

Love the girl who seems to write essays as a hobby

it hurts...

You know when you can feel yourself going down a deep spiral of sadness, when you can feel yourself being dragged down but cannot do anything about it. That is exactly where I am now, all I can feel is the negative moods, I might be able to lift my spirits for a short space of a time but then the sadness overwhelms me, I honestly cannot find the joy in life anymore. I don't know what to do, I refuse to let myself get into a depression but right now I cannot find any other way out.

I hate that all this is because of my feelings towards him, and I know it is that because nothing else in my life is affecting me in such a way. It is down to my own stubbornness, I know this, if I would just send him the letter, place all my cards on the table and see if he replies then at least I can say I tried and now I must move on. But I won't, and I can't because then that will distinguish the fire of hope I have burning inside of me and I feel that is the one thing that is keeping me going just a little bit. A reason to get up and go in the morning, just in case today is the day something happens and I can start to be happy again. Yes this also means I am scared of being rejected, scared of finding out the truth, terrified that he is with someone else and much happier, finding this all out would break me again but in the long run would it really help? I am just not ready for the feeling that will come after, I cannot handle being broken again, to see his reply and his words telling me nothing has changed and he thinks we should stay apart. The hope whispers that he might not say this but I know he will because he would have spoke to me otherwise.

I am going to try and power on, I am going to try and find my own happiness again buried deep and try and realise once again that this is for the best, that it is obviously meant to be no matter how much I wish it was not. Distractions do not work anymore, and the mind is a powerful thing so I just need to find a way to change my thoughts. I need to either be strong, have courage and send him the letter and accept the reply or go on always wondering what he is thinking and where he is at. Either way I am going to hurt myself, but which one is worth the pain.

nothing...

comfort in beau...

I'm pathetic...

I feel like I am always repeating myself when I write this so I do apologise. The thing is, I am at it again, I am dreaming of him, dreams where we meet up and either he ignores me and is with someone else or where we kiss and all the feelings come flooding back.

It has been nearly 2 years! 2 years!

Why am I not like everyone else. Why can't I shut him out and be able to move on. Does my heart enjoy tormenting itself that much that it is just going to carry on with this forever. Or if you like to think in the more magical ways, is it my heart trying to tell me something and I should not ignore it. Yes I am a girl and therefore I over think everything and anything, but how can I ignore something that is forever in my head. I have spent everyday thinking of him, I have tried not to cry, I have tried to think of other things but he always manages to creep back in. What am I supposed to do about it? I am permanently wondering what he might be doing and how he is. I see things and I just want to tell him about it. I am glad the urge to text him has gone, and that is purely because I know I get more hurt by texting him than if I just torture myself, at least then I have some control. If someone could read my head and my thoughts they would think I was just starting out with him, that me and him were fresh and had all our adventures ahead of us. However this is not the case, I am just trapped under his spell and I refuse to try and break free. I love him but why do I have to be reminded of something that will never be every single day. Life is not like the movies, you don't just break up with someone and a few months later a new knight in shining armour shows up to whisk you away to happily ever after. Poets did not write about that, they wrote about how love torments you, how having your heartbroken is like torture and living with unrequited love. You know why I also hate myself, because after all this time I am still hanging on to hope. Hope, that 4 letter word that just brings with it so much misery. Yes, I am hoping we are going to bump into each other and be able to rekindle what we had, I am an idiot. All these quotes I post and yet I clearly don't take my own advice, if he wanted to speak to me he would, I need to ingrain that into my head, Otherwise I am just going to make myself look like a pathetic fool.

old times...

Now I know why I always want to fall asleep early, why I choose sleep over most other things. It is to stop myself from feeling low and from letting my mind go crazy in its own madness. Instead I get to dream away and live my life however my brain decides. For tonight though I have been looking at old photos on facebook, and when I see ones that he has commented on I cannot help but feel a bit of pain in my heart. I do not cry, which is a plus, but I do feel some sadness towards it all and I know if I did not stop myself I probably would have gone back to reading all his old messages (which I still have) and then probably moved on to the letter I never sent but feel one day I will. Alas, I have not, I have resisted and tried to distract myself otherwise, but I still have the niggling feeling in me that I am missing something, missing an emotion or a feeling, almost feeling anxious, and I know there is no other explanation but my own self torture of looking at my life back when I was with him. I know now these feelings will probably never leave me, it is just learning how to control them so they do not manage to take over my whole mind. I am a work in progress, a slow slow journey I am on but I know one day I will get there.

love is me and him...

I love him...

I love him and I know I always will, but for now I have to learn how to forget someone otherwise my thoughts will torture me more than the heartbreak itself

advice to those who seek it...

today I revisit the past...

I am battling my emotions right now as I am looking after my friends house and the last time I did this, he was with me. It was around Halloween and he was working but he left me a carved pumpkin on the roof of my car outside her house, it was carved with I LOVE YOU. It was amazing. So sitting here now I just think of the time we spent together here, how he kept me company and stayed here when he was working rather than going back to his own house. I have tried so hard today to distract myself and not get upset and so far I have done okay, the thoughts are there however I am trying to be strong and not keep dwelling on this, something which my brain seems to enjoy. I have resisted texting him, as much as I want to (any excuse) to tell him where I am and remember this and remember that etc. But that is not what he wants to hear, like what if he is with someone and I send him that. It will not be well received and he will just think why is she doing this. Hmmmm I will get through this and I will not text him, I will just sit and remember the good times I got to spend with him here. If only I could guarantee these memories will never go or fade away.

me and you...

update...

I have not posted in a while as I have been busy, however I also feel it is because I do not quite know how I feel anymore. I am glad my period of sadness has gone, I am glad I did not send that letter to him, however this does not mean that I will never send it as I feel it will be have to be one day in order for me to fully move on. Whilst my thoughts are okay with it all though I will save myself the stress of sending him it. He still plagues my every thought but I have learnt how to accept these thoughts now, that he will always be a big part of my life and I should feel happy that I still think of him because he obviously meant that much to me. One day I do hope that I will be able to move on completely but for now I am satisfied just being a girl with thoughts of the past. I do still wonder if he thinks of me and if he ever wants to contact me and arrange a meeting like I do, but then again if he did I suppose he would have done it already. I guess we will just have to wait and see where this road takes me....

wait...

every day I am torn...

love is...

i need to find a way to move on...

i want you, just you...

pleasure or pain?...

what's sad about love...

48 hours...

So I am beginning to gather myself together again after a vile week. Even though he has not left my thoughts I have managed to restrain all emotional thoughts about writing him a letter and confessing my remaining love for him. I wrote the letter, I must have done it at least 5 times, and I must say it is quite a good read, I read online that if you want to do something like that, write it and wait 48 hours, if in that time you don't make any changes and still want to send it then go ahead, but if you change something then the 48 hours starts again. As hard as it was I managed to stick by this and I in the end it has meant me not sending him it, I don't think it would have done much but hurt me more as I feel I could write his reply myself. It probably would push him further away from me and I would not want that. When the day comes and should I wish to gain some major closure, then I will send it. But for now I am working on me, on getting my happiness back on tract and finding the way to accepting not everyone can stay no matter how hard we try.

tit for tat...

i love him...

why does it hurt so so much...

i can't deal with this anymore...

I love him, I still love him. Recent times have brought this all to the surface and I have shot myself right back down to that dark hole I thought I had crawled out of for good. The other day I sat in a dark room, I sat in silence and read our old conversations, looked at pictures. I cried and I cried and I hated myself for getting so upset. Why can't I let him go, why am I still tormented by the feelings I hold for him. I can't even move one because if I try then I just feel guilty, I compare everyone to him and at the end of the day all I want is to be next to him, hear him breathing and feel his heart against my face. I don't know what to do, I feel so low and sad right now. I was considering sending him a letter, explaining to him everything I need to say to help clear my head, to tell him he needs to know all this before I can let go and move on. I don't think the feelings are mutual anymore, I feel he is being more polite when I message him, rather than him wanting to talk to me. I feel horrid, I feel torn up inside and incomplete, I hate that a year and a half later he still has this hold on me. I hate how I don't know how he is feeling and so I am left to wonder. Do I send an email and face my fears, follow my heart and hope for the best. Or do I just accept that this is all over and try and pull myself out of this depressive feeling, a feeling where I don't know what to do with myself and no amount of distractions work. I hate myself right now, I hate that I have become so weak over a boy, but most of all I hate that I can't see a way out. That I constantly torture myself without even realising it and all it takes is for one trigger to send me right back down.
I am lost and I am crying out to be found.