I feel in control...

I was advised not to send the letter to him and yet I did, and still a week and a bit later I still have no regrets and honestly I feel so much better for it. Now when thoughts of him pop into my head they just do that, pop, they don't stay around and create scenarios of what ifs. They simply happen and go and I am so grateful for this. I have finally won over my mind and I feel I am now back in control, I feel I can now go on about my life and live it for me. I don't spend my days wondering what he is doing anymore, I concentrate on me and my friends. The letter for me was the biggest weight lifted off me ever, so if your ever thinking of sending a letter to an ex then I would say do it, be brave just for 1 minute and send it. It may bring a tense few days but after that it will all be worth it. 

letting go...

time to love me...

broken...

a friend...

my final message to him...

I understand that you have a lot of things going on in your life, and I am sorry if I added more stress to your life by holding on for so long with this, I apologise for how long it took for me to let things go. I accept and respect your views, I am just happy I know now and can lift this ‘what if’ weight of my shoulders. 

I think in me trying to move on I was really just holding on, and I missed you so much because I kept the memory of us alive too much. Perhaps I held on because I was scared that something that felt so great would not happen twice and perhaps I was hoping too much that we would find a way to turn the clock back to what it used to be. I guess I was naïve. But time does heal all wounds and I know I can move on one day, and I understand now that moving on is more about accepting that you still have room in your heart to love a person but you don’t need to be with them to be happy

It’s been a long hard road, and we have both gone our separate journeys, but in sending this I hope I have finally found the closure I need to move on. I am happy our paths crossed and for all the times we shared, I would not trade them for the world, and I take comfort in the fact that the love we shared was real. You’ve made me realise a lot of things about myself, I am stronger now because of you. I am going to miss you but I want you to be happy, I'm happy you have found someone who gets to feel the way I did when I was in your presence, she truly is a lucky girl.

To the moon and back remember…

the reply...

He replied, he is happy and he has moved on and he hopes I can do also, I just need to let myself move on. I know he is right, and I am happy he replied but I cannot say that it didnt make me want to cry when I read that. I didnt, I managed to stay strong but it did upset me a little to know he is happy without me in my life, but at the same time I am happy he is happy. I just need to make the extra effort to move on now, I have said all I can do and he has told me where he stands. There is no more wondering left for me to do, no more thoughts my brain can magic up and create as everything has finally been said. I hope in a few days it will all settle in and the peace will finally begin. I miss him and he knows this now, but I can love him and him not to be my heart, that is what moving on is about after all. He was a chapter in my book and now I have to turn the page, I have to accept it and look forward to a new adventure.

out of order...

be sure...

He acknowledged the sending of my email, and just seeing his name pop up on my phone sent me in shock, like I began shaking and felt so cold. The effect he has on me is so strange, it is so so strong after all this time and I guess it is because the feelings I hold for him are still equally as strong. The fact that he acknowledged and said he would reply when he had time was more than I could have asked for, I did not expect a reply, I expected him to read it and just get angry, delete it and be annoyed that I had thrown this on his plate. It has sent my mind in a frenzy today knowing that I will receive a reply, waiting on the message that tells me thank you for my thoughts but it is not going to happen. But I have kept busy and distracted myself and I am happier now, I know I have sent it and he has read it. I know I have nothing else to say, the big 'what if' weight can be lifted off my shoulders and I know where I stand, and how I can go about moving on. I have put this off for 6 months and I felt no better for not sending it to him. So if anyone is considering sending their ex a message, I would say make sure you are ready for no response or a response which could send you back down a spiral. Be sure that you want this, and you know it will make you feel better in the long run. Take the chance, be brave and just pour your heart out. You can't regret being honest, how that person replies is up to them, but least you will know from then on that you did all you could do, you fought until your very last breath.

I did it...

I sent the letter, I had changed it a bit but I finally sent it. I have chosen to be selfish for my own sanity and right now my heart pounds faster than a race horse, but you know what, I think it will be worth it. I have said it now, there is nothing else I can do, no more sitting around thinking what if, I have emptied my heart of words to him and now there is nothing more I can do. Maybe I will be able to finally move on and be at peace. I do not envy him having to read the letter, no one would have a joyful time to receive and read that, especially since I know he is with someone. That is one reason I did not want to send it him, who am I to mess with his head and throw a confession on to his plate. But you know what, sometimes you have to be selfish, sometimes you have to do what is best for you despite what everybody else says. Do I hope he replies? In some ways yes, as it would be an acknowledgement of me pouring my heart out. At the same time I do not want him to, seing his email address pop up and having that sickening feeling of having to open it, I don't think I have quite prepared myself for that. Either way I know the end result, my heart hopes for the positive but I know what will come, I am just glad that I have now said everything. My heart is done with that story, it now, after 2 whole years, can finally catch up with the letting go process. And I hope someday soon I am able to find someone else who will make me forget all the love I hold for him.

x...

dreams of him...

For some reason my mind thinks it is a good idea to torture my hear on a regular basis, isn't the mind supposed to be the clever one telling me rational thoughts. Well I dreamt of him last night, he was still in a relationship, and I think she might have even been pregnant. Yet I met up with him and although I tried to resist the temptation I gave in to the flirty ways and he even kissed me, but just to go back to her after. The thing is this is almost a reoccurring dream, each time I dream of him I try to not show him how much I want him and yet by the end I cant resist. But this morning I have woken up and I am so annoyed at how my mind has decided to throw that in, I don't need it, I don't need to wake up thinking 'wow I had him back again for a moment' just to realise that a. it was a dream and b. he was still with his girlfriend anyway even in the dream so that hurts. Why am I still thinking of him so much, this is not normal.

Also I had my cards read the a few weeks ago with a psychic, and she read my cards the exact way I had them read 3 years ago with another psychic, a.k.a I was with him in them. This new one did not tell me I would meet someone new she just went on as if me and him were together and will be together for a while, as she spoke about marriage and kids with him. It was so strange to hear because a. it was like I had stepped back in time, b. she was so wrong c. was she reading my thoughts and that is where my thoughts are at at this moment in time. I have no idea, but why am I not meeting someone new, am I fated to get back with him, who knows and only time will tell but it sure did confuse me. Perhaps that is why my brain is creating all these magical scenarios up in my dreams because subconsciously I am thinking about it all and wondering if any of it will be true. Either way I have now woken up in a sort of rubbish mood, I can still see his face as it was in my dream, I can still feel his touch. I cannot wait until that disappears among the normal runnings of my day, it breaks my heart to relive them when they are not real.

learning to ignore...

I need to tell you something...

It has happened, I found out today off my friend that my ex is with someone new now. When she first told me my heart dropped but I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would. Yes I am not too pleased in hearing this, but it has been nearly 2 years so I can't expect him not to move on. The good thing is it means I don't have to send that letter and I don't have to rejected by him, to hear them words coming out of his mouth 'I am with someone' would have hurt me more than my friend telling me. Least now I know and I can try and move on with my life instead of moping about thinking what if. I think I may be in a state of a shock that I have just found this out as I can't say I am feeling many emotions just I feel flat, a bit deflated. There is a lot more going on in my head which is probably affecting how I feel towards this but I am happy for him and good luck to them both. It did not work for me and him but if I forget about the last few months of our relationship, then he was the best boyfriend there ever was, he did everything right and he set the expectations bar so so high, he really was a mr romantic. I still obviously love him but I can at least now concentrate on trying to dull them feelings, I can tell hope that there is no need for it anymore, my heart and brain can finally breathe out and relax.

the letter...

I am posting the letter up on here as I hope that this helps me not to send it to him. I know this would seriously mess with his head and I don't think I am ready for that just yet. So to keep in line with what this blog is about I am going to post it. What do you think? 

I write this with no expectation, hope or agenda. I write this simply so I do not go through the rest of my days wishing I would have told you how I feel, I have decided to be brave and just say it, I am placing all my cards down in the hope that my mind will be put to rest. I am aware you are with someone now so forgive me for the timing of this message however I have tried holding back sending this for at least 6 months now and I simply cannot do it any longer. I hope you can read this through, and I hope it doesn’t make you feel too uncomfortable or awkward, that is not my aim. I do not expect you to reply, however, should you feel the need to reply then it would be gratefully received.

Anyway I am waffling, as always, so to get straight to the point, the deep feelings I had for you still exist, in this past year and a half I have tried to kill it, to run from it, to move on, but I can’t. I said I loved you and I have never looked back. Missing you has just become a part of me. I know it has been a while now but my feelings for you have not changed, I haven’t sat in a dark room for this whole time clutching photos and making no attempt to get on with my life without you, I have made every effort to move on but at the end of the day I still want you, I compare everything to you.                                            

You still dominate my thoughts and it takes so much for me not to message you on a regular basis as I always feel like I am pestering you. I find myself still talking about you and your son to everyone I know, even to m and k although that was regarding bathrooms and tiles ha but what I’m trying to say is you occupy my thoughts more than I thought would be right after all this time. It sounds all so cliché but I am still thinking of you before I fall asleep, when my phone goes off a little bit of me always hopes that it might be from you. You made me smile, you made me happy, you made me sad, but above all I fell in love with you and I can’t seem to forget this. I stopped seeing you and your son because I didn’t know how that was panning out, I didn’t know if it was wanted or just done out of politeness, so to not complicate things I thought it was best if I left it.

I feel foolish saying that I am still caught up in ‘us’ that it hurts so much sometimes, but I am afraid it is true. I don’t want to keep bothering you which I feel I do by texting you, there is no hidden agenda behind my texts I just like being able to talk to you. Am I torturing myself by holding on to the past as that’s all we have left, possibly, but at the same time it feels like holding on is the right thing to do, why throw away something you care so much about. I understand time has passed and we have both lived our separate lives, we have grown in our own ways but the only thing that hasn’t changed for me is how I feel about you. I hate how I haven’t been able to move on, but you were so much a part of my life that I can’t help but do it. I have hope by getting this all out will help me to sort out my head and know I have said everything I could possibly say, and then maybe I will be able to move on once and for all.

If you have read this far, then thank you, I’m going to end this now as I know this is hard enough to receive never mind to read. I am sorry it has come out of the blue, but like I said I didn’t even know if I should send this, Disney did not write my life, things do not work like the movies, but I need to get this off my chest, so I hope you don’t hate me for this. I don’t deny the past and what went on, I made heart breaking mistakes but I never stopped loving you. What I think doesn’t fix everything or anything but it hurts more to keep inside so this is me opening up for one last time and being as honest as I could ever be. At the end of it all I just want you to understand that you were a big part of my life and I am happy you are happy but I needed to say all this because otherwise my mind will never rest. I apologise if this appears to be an over the top declaration of love, or an attempt to work my way into your heart again, I do not mean for it to be that. We are friends and I am more than grateful for that, this is just me laying my cards down and letting you know how I feel, and for you to know that if you ever needed me I would be there for you no matter what.

Love the girl who seems to write essays as a hobby

it hurts...

You know when you can feel yourself going down a deep spiral of sadness, when you can feel yourself being dragged down but cannot do anything about it. That is exactly where I am now, all I can feel is the negative moods, I might be able to lift my spirits for a short space of a time but then the sadness overwhelms me, I honestly cannot find the joy in life anymore. I don't know what to do, I refuse to let myself get into a depression but right now I cannot find any other way out.

I hate that all this is because of my feelings towards him, and I know it is that because nothing else in my life is affecting me in such a way. It is down to my own stubbornness, I know this, if I would just send him the letter, place all my cards on the table and see if he replies then at least I can say I tried and now I must move on. But I won't, and I can't because then that will distinguish the fire of hope I have burning inside of me and I feel that is the one thing that is keeping me going just a little bit. A reason to get up and go in the morning, just in case today is the day something happens and I can start to be happy again. Yes this also means I am scared of being rejected, scared of finding out the truth, terrified that he is with someone else and much happier, finding this all out would break me again but in the long run would it really help? I am just not ready for the feeling that will come after, I cannot handle being broken again, to see his reply and his words telling me nothing has changed and he thinks we should stay apart. The hope whispers that he might not say this but I know he will because he would have spoke to me otherwise.

I am going to try and power on, I am going to try and find my own happiness again buried deep and try and realise once again that this is for the best, that it is obviously meant to be no matter how much I wish it was not. Distractions do not work anymore, and the mind is a powerful thing so I just need to find a way to change my thoughts. I need to either be strong, have courage and send him the letter and accept the reply or go on always wondering what he is thinking and where he is at. Either way I am going to hurt myself, but which one is worth the pain.

nothing...

comfort in beau...

I'm pathetic...

I feel like I am always repeating myself when I write this so I do apologise. The thing is, I am at it again, I am dreaming of him, dreams where we meet up and either he ignores me and is with someone else or where we kiss and all the feelings come flooding back.

It has been nearly 2 years! 2 years!

Why am I not like everyone else. Why can't I shut him out and be able to move on. Does my heart enjoy tormenting itself that much that it is just going to carry on with this forever. Or if you like to think in the more magical ways, is it my heart trying to tell me something and I should not ignore it. Yes I am a girl and therefore I over think everything and anything, but how can I ignore something that is forever in my head. I have spent everyday thinking of him, I have tried not to cry, I have tried to think of other things but he always manages to creep back in. What am I supposed to do about it? I am permanently wondering what he might be doing and how he is. I see things and I just want to tell him about it. I am glad the urge to text him has gone, and that is purely because I know I get more hurt by texting him than if I just torture myself, at least then I have some control. If someone could read my head and my thoughts they would think I was just starting out with him, that me and him were fresh and had all our adventures ahead of us. However this is not the case, I am just trapped under his spell and I refuse to try and break free. I love him but why do I have to be reminded of something that will never be every single day. Life is not like the movies, you don't just break up with someone and a few months later a new knight in shining armour shows up to whisk you away to happily ever after. Poets did not write about that, they wrote about how love torments you, how having your heartbroken is like torture and living with unrequited love. You know why I also hate myself, because after all this time I am still hanging on to hope. Hope, that 4 letter word that just brings with it so much misery. Yes, I am hoping we are going to bump into each other and be able to rekindle what we had, I am an idiot. All these quotes I post and yet I clearly don't take my own advice, if he wanted to speak to me he would, I need to ingrain that into my head, Otherwise I am just going to make myself look like a pathetic fool.

old times...

Now I know why I always want to fall asleep early, why I choose sleep over most other things. It is to stop myself from feeling low and from letting my mind go crazy in its own madness. Instead I get to dream away and live my life however my brain decides. For tonight though I have been looking at old photos on facebook, and when I see ones that he has commented on I cannot help but feel a bit of pain in my heart. I do not cry, which is a plus, but I do feel some sadness towards it all and I know if I did not stop myself I probably would have gone back to reading all his old messages (which I still have) and then probably moved on to the letter I never sent but feel one day I will. Alas, I have not, I have resisted and tried to distract myself otherwise, but I still have the niggling feeling in me that I am missing something, missing an emotion or a feeling, almost feeling anxious, and I know there is no other explanation but my own self torture of looking at my life back when I was with him. I know now these feelings will probably never leave me, it is just learning how to control them so they do not manage to take over my whole mind. I am a work in progress, a slow slow journey I am on but I know one day I will get there.

love is me and him...

I love him...

I love him and I know I always will, but for now I have to learn how to forget someone otherwise my thoughts will torture me more than the heartbreak itself

advice to those who seek it...

today I revisit the past...

I am battling my emotions right now as I am looking after my friends house and the last time I did this, he was with me. It was around Halloween and he was working but he left me a carved pumpkin on the roof of my car outside her house, it was carved with I LOVE YOU. It was amazing. So sitting here now I just think of the time we spent together here, how he kept me company and stayed here when he was working rather than going back to his own house. I have tried so hard today to distract myself and not get upset and so far I have done okay, the thoughts are there however I am trying to be strong and not keep dwelling on this, something which my brain seems to enjoy. I have resisted texting him, as much as I want to (any excuse) to tell him where I am and remember this and remember that etc. But that is not what he wants to hear, like what if he is with someone and I send him that. It will not be well received and he will just think why is she doing this. Hmmmm I will get through this and I will not text him, I will just sit and remember the good times I got to spend with him here. If only I could guarantee these memories will never go or fade away.

me and you...

update...

I have not posted in a while as I have been busy, however I also feel it is because I do not quite know how I feel anymore. I am glad my period of sadness has gone, I am glad I did not send that letter to him, however this does not mean that I will never send it as I feel it will be have to be one day in order for me to fully move on. Whilst my thoughts are okay with it all though I will save myself the stress of sending him it. He still plagues my every thought but I have learnt how to accept these thoughts now, that he will always be a big part of my life and I should feel happy that I still think of him because he obviously meant that much to me. One day I do hope that I will be able to move on completely but for now I am satisfied just being a girl with thoughts of the past. I do still wonder if he thinks of me and if he ever wants to contact me and arrange a meeting like I do, but then again if he did I suppose he would have done it already. I guess we will just have to wait and see where this road takes me....

wait...