your always there...

what do you do when he's all you ever think about...

Because my mind is working over time at the moment I decided to find an old diary I used to write in and read if my life has changed. Has it? No! Literally the same issues repeat over and over again. With my ex now he was the first relationship but before him I did have an interest in others, a deep interest that never developed in to anything and it is all my fault. There's three names that constantly pop up and each one the same lines could be repeated over and over again, all in my own doing. I didn't let people know how I felt, I was cold at times and maybe a bit confusing, I led people on in thinking something would happen and it wouldn't.....and then they got girlfriends, and then I lost them and my heart would break. I described so much how I hated how they had cut me out their lives and didn't want to speak to me anymore, I hated how I realised too late that they were what I wanted and I was too scared to do anything at the time. It is funny really to read it back, although at the time I was a mess by the looks of it, I wasn't sleeping and just constantly stressed about it. Not much has changed, but like I have mentioned previously, each time it has been them that has walked away from me. How can I see a positive in everything that has happened when each time it has been me that has been cast aside through no fault of my own.

It just makes me reflect really on how this all went wrong with my ex. How I can see my younger self in some ways, acting how I did then. Why didn't I learn from all this so that I could be better the next time round. With my current ex things are completely different in another sense, this was a lot more serious and a lot more intimate than anyone before. But mentally I can see things that have never changed in me and maybe that is what I need to work on in order to make myself a better person, a person who won't make the same mistakes again, I'm just upset at the fact that I couldn't have done this before to make it work with my ex, someone who deserved to have the me I know I am really. I think I just get lost in the moment, I try to be something that they truly want but in the process I am just messing things up, not being honest to myself or them and in the end I get wound up so tight in my own web that I don't notice things going wrong, subconsciously I probably do, but on the surface I just go ahead and blame them because surely I'm not the one doing wrong, how naive can I be.

I've read plenty of articles today on coping with heart break, learning to feel good again, not blaming yourself. They did give me some comfort in the sense that I seem to think that I am the only one feeling this much pain in the whole history of heart breaks. I am ignorant to the fact that everyone goes through it at some point in their lives and when it is your first proper relationship it is always going to be the hardest. Well it has been the hardest as of yet. I remember the day it was truly over, the day I actually was distraught, when tears weren't enough and I literally wailed/screamed/shouted with tears. When I didn't sleep for more than a couple of hours a night and couldn't eat properly for weeks. Everything would bring me to tears. I was a mess, a mess of emotion and love that scared the hell out of me. I hadn't experienced anything like this before, I hadn't felt the intimacy and closeness I had with him, I hadn't felt the sort of love we had, the fact I wanted him by my side for the rest of my life and I just wanted to make him happy (even though at times I went about this in the wrong manner). My eyes were red, my cheeks were tear stained, my bed and pillow felt like a stranger because he wasn't next to me when I rolled over. My parents house I had to move back into felt like a weird prison that was keeping me captive, I was in a strange place with no way of getting back out. Looking back now I don't know how I managed. As time went on it became a bit easier to be here and not there with him but the feelings and love for him never changed.

I still have the charms he bought me for my bracelet on it and I wear it every day, I still have a picture of me and him on my car keys, I have a scar on my arm from where I burnt myself on the iron at his. The scar is what gets me the most, I look down at it and it is always going to be there, always there to remind me of what was and what could have been if it hadn't of ended the way it did. Most the time I look at it with happiness, knowing that I spent 2 years with guy who would have done anything for me, and showed me how much he loved me through the littlest of things. Other days I look at it and just feel sadness.

From reading my old diary it took me a year to get over something that never was, and I really did mess about with by not being honest. But if that took a year, and it wasn't really anything real to begin with them I have no idea how long this will take me. Maybe it could take less time if I became more determined to be over him, but I think the reality is I'm scared of that. I'm scared of not having feelings for him anymore, I'm scared to let him go when he is all I ever want. Also I am too stubborn to accept the fact that this is it, why should this have to be it, it's what I want and what I want to fight for so why should I have to give it up. I am hurting myself in the process so this is why I try not to rant it out to my friends any more, cause it is a lost cause to them. I know I am doing wrong to myself so why should they have to listen to me when it is my own doing. If and when I do move on this will be a thing to look back on, emotional yes but at least I will have tracked my journey and be able to know that what I felt for him was real. The times we spent together were worth everything and I will know that he will always have a special place in my heart till my dying days. I just hope one day I can put a happy ending at the end of all this, in my heart I would say with him however if I was being realistic it will probably be the person who is next to enter this story of my life. I just hope he doesn't take too long otherwise I don't know how much faith I will have in myself and relationships after a while. Maybe I should just embrace the crazy cat lady lifestyle now, maybe this is where I am heading ha, cats make me happy, I'm sure I would eventually be content.

and so it begins...

I just got back from legoland. I had an awesome time and I was wounded I could not stay any longer because he had to take his son back to his mum's. And now I am home my mind is just going crazy, like it always does. I know I torture myself by allowing myself to go back into a routine that was normal when we were together, but to try and continue it now as separate people is just hard.

We spoke a bit, not much of an update on each other but we did have a little chat while the kids played. He is doing well with his life and I am happy for him, he is definitely living his life to the full now and this makes me think it was me who was holding him back after it all. Our hands accidentally touched at one point, and we both pulled back instantaneously and he apologised, that touch of the hands, I can't begin to describe how it felt. It felt like fireworks could have shot out into a perfect storm, but at the same time it felt wrong, like the way you touch your best friends hand and then your like, oops sorry, that weird feeling of we shouldn't really touch. But for that brief second it literally knocked me off my feet, I didn't know what to do, it took me by surprise. Yes it was by accident so it literally took nano seconds, but time slowed down in my head and I was like arghhhhh what is this.

I am a sucker for reading between the lines, for over analysing a situation, taking note of everything I see and hear and thinking what does that really mean. So this doesn't help really. I felt comfortable being there, I enjoyed it, I just wished it could have gone on for longer. I was happy to see the kids again but I was also overjoyed at being able to see and speak to him again. Like I have said previously, it is literally like I am getting a chance to step back into my old life for a second. As much as I do enjoy it, when I find out how much he has been up to and how he is making the most of his time now I realise that I really wouldn't fit in anywhere, as much as I want to be back involved in his and his son's life I don't know where I would fit. As a result I feel it would take us right back to where we left off and it would only have a honeymoon period of a month or so before we got back into the same routine and messed each others heads up once again. I am glad I can see this now, it does show that I am slowly moving on, but it doesn't stop me from craving him, from having him want to text and speak to me all he can. Or cuddle up to him on the sofa and just talk about random things.

I am just confused. Over my own thoughts and actions rather than him being involved. Im confused as to why I crave something that I know probably wouldn't end up well, why I still make him my priority in everything I do and say, why I want to keep him at a distance but at the same time I want to talk to him all day every day. My head, is being logical but my heart is stuck with once upon a time stories and until the both can agree I don't think I am going to find any peace. I am jealous of him though, he is doing so well, he has so much planned for his life and is busy doing different things all the time. Then I look at my life and it literally is the total opposite, I don't really do anything or go anywhere, I don't have much money and I get bored very easily. I'm lonely and confused and don't know who to talk to sometimes. I try to busy myself but I always end up doing nothing again because there is not much I can do. My friends are all in relationships so I can't just pop round to see them because I don't want to crash their couple time. They are also all buying houses and so are saving up, so I don't get much chance to go out anymore and so my nights are mainly spent in the house. I need to sort my own life out before I try and find someone else to share it with, maybe thats why I crave him so much, he already knows what I am like, yes I have changed in some ways but he would be aware of everything and so Im choosing the easy way out right? I wouldn't like to think so, I would like to think I am choosing him out of the fact my heart beats for him every single day and he literally possesses me, mind body and soul.

My head is a mess right now. Not a bad mess like that when we broke up, but just a mess as in, 'did that just happen' 'did I really just see him before'. It doesn't feel real but at the same time the way my heart feels now I know it was real. I am happy with just being able to see them every now and again I just wish we could talk more, without it feeling like he is too busy or he doesn't really have time to reply. My biggest wish after days like today is that once I leave him and get home I will get a text saying he enjoyed himself or it was good to see me again, something that shows I do not just leave his mind as soon as he gets in the car and goes. If I was being ridiculous I would want him to say do I want to meet up for coffee during the week or something like that ha, but I know that is hoping for way too much. But it would be nice to be able to continue the civilness with each other and not have to wait like a month before we speak again.

I now know how important communication is and then there is all them quotes that say just say how you feel as there is no time like the present, but if I told him what I felt or wanted to say or do then I know it would push us further apart, and I am scared most by this. When I text him not long after we broke up, a drunken text, I said I love you and he said he did too but it won't change anything. And I think that is what he has stuck to ever since, his feelings, if they do still exist, he is ignoring because in his eyes things will never be able to change. We won't ever be able to work things out or try again because he can't see it happening. Upsetting to know and hear, because I know I have it in me to try again, I have grown as a person in these last 10 months. I have changed in small ways and I am sure he has, but the difference being that I have the fight in me still to try and show him how much this could work whilst I feel like he said goodbye to that ship a long time ago and I am just not brave enough to admit it. I am clasping on to the last bit I have and I refuse to let go. I have had drunken slip ups where I have text him and confessed things but he has not, not once. He hasn't even tried to arrange for me and him and his son to meet up on his accord, without me asking, let alone trying to rekindle us by asking to meet for coffee or something. I need to learn to accept it is a lost cause, it was awesome while it lasted and he taught me many things but I need to know the space in his heart for me has gone. He has moved on, and as upsetting as that is, I need to embrace it.
x

waiting...

question...

que sera sera...

So today I am going to meet him and his son and his niece. It is not for the first time, I have been around a few times since, birthdays, christmas etc, times when I give a present to his son. It is hard to pin him down so I can come around and I often wonder if this is because he is not too keen on me going round so much but is too nice to say that and so beats about the bush. I think in a way I would rather him tell me.
Anyway I am due to meet him in like 2 hours and we are off to legoland. Honestly, I am pooing my pants, I am so nervous as I always am before seeing them. I don't know why because I know everything will be fine and we will have a laugh, I think it is more down to me trying not to expose my feelings, trying not to read into anything and everything he might say, assuming he is with someone else now just because he seems to be editing what he has been up to. But then again I have no right to know really if he is seeing someone but it does make me wonder every time I see him. Last time I went round was 2 months ago now and it was a really nice experience, it was his son's birthday and I did enjoy being there and surrounded by what was. I did get a bit hurt when his son introduced me to his friend and his 'dad's ex girlfriend'. Yes I know that is what I am however to hear it come from his son's mouth, it kind of shot me down a bit, like opened up the wound that was healing just a little bit and some sadness came out. He knows now and understands that I will no longer be there in his or his dad's life, it did make me a bit sad.
But I shall be positive today and I shall try not to expect too much or act like a weirdo, I shall be myself. I shall try not to make it out like my life is a mess and a I don't do much and I will try and let him know that. I have not done that in the past because in a way it was proving his point, as he was breaking up with me he said he was holding me back and I need to go off and live my life without having baggage behind me. I totally disagreed with him and when I would go round I would try to make a point that this was not the case, however now I don't see the point of playing the sad card anymore. I want to, I want to tell him how my life is rubbish without him, how when ever I see a happy couple all I picture is me and him together. But instead I will try and focus on letting him know that I am okay and I am doing fine, because I am fully aware that he is, that he literally just sprung back into his old life and has gotten on with that. If he has been hurting he has done very well not to show it.
Anywho I don't want to woffle on too much, I shall probably update later on when I return. Im hoping to be able to get the chance to stay with him and his family most the day however I feel like after legoland I will have to make a move, like it will be an awkward moment where I want to stick around but he doesn't and we both don't know what to say. Only time will tell...
x

it's more like tsunami tides in my eyes...

The past two nights I have dreamt of him, both of a similar situation/theme. Both have included us getting back together, the butterflies being reborn and coming to life with an almighty passion, and it's like we were at the beginning. Then as the dream goes on, or just before I wake, it all ends badly. Badly in a sense that it turns out the bitterness is still there, that we haven't really fixed anything and if we continued to try and be together it would only get worse. Is this a sense of what the future would hold if we did try again? I would like to think not however a part of me thinks it would be the case. We would start off all happily ever after but then as time passes and we slipped back into the same routine, it would just go back to the way it was. I've heard many a stories where people have broken up only to realise different and have managed to find their way back to each other once again, and I hope this is where my life story is taking me. However once again this is me being forever hopeful, that I am only punishing myself for thinking like this. At the time of the break up, when I was fighting with every last ounce of strength I had in me, I tried to get him to say that he needed a break and would think about it all. Probably not the best way to live your life, waiting on a guy to decide if he wanted you or not. But I didn't see it that way, I saw it in the way that I would give him space to realise where it had gone wrong, the explanations behind it and to know just how much I loved him and wanted to be with him. I was living in a fairy tale I guess. Things don't happen like Disney would have you to believe. I just have to keep telling myself that if he did truly want to be with me, to see past the mistake and hear me out, then he would of fought for me. He claimed he did, and with the prolonged break up I can understand he did try a little bit, for a month or so, but even in that month he was withdrawn and not himself, looking back now he was just trying to find a way in which he could break the news to me. News that would tear my hear to pieces, cut me wide open, and devastate everything I thought would have worked and lasted forever.

So all I have left is these dreams, and even they are not turning out the way I would expect them to. I suppose it is better to wake up feeling a bit annoyed that we couldn't find a way to make it work the second time round, rather than waking up to feel upset and tearful at what was. I guess that is a blessing in disguise.

That is all for now I think, I'm sure I will write again soon. Let's see what tonight's sleep will uncover.

x

poison to my mind...

In terms of any changes since my last posts, nothing to report. I dreamt of him against last night, I'm just going to have to get used to these regular occurrences. I really want to go round and see his son, it's half term now so I know he will have it quite a bit this week so there should be plenty of opportunity for me to see him. However I have yet to text him and ask as I honestly do feel like I am bothering him, I always tell him when I am free and to text me when ever he has him as I will more than likely be able to go around. But he never does, and common sense says that is because either he is actually way too busy, or I don't cross his mind anymore to think about that, or he doesn't feel it is appropriate me to still go around. He said when we broke up he would never stop me from seeing him if I asked, and he hasn't, but he does make it very difficult for me to arrange something. I don't want to have to harass him, I don't want to get on his nerves in that aspect. But I do really want to go round and see his son, see how he is and just spend some time with him. And before you ask, I do actually go around and just spend time with his son, if he is around then obviously I don't ignore him, but I am simply not just popping round saying I want to see his son but really use the opportunity to spend time with him. Yes it is nice to see him, and be able to speak to him in real life however I know not to push anything as I don't want them feelings to come pouring back.

It is so frustrating, having all these thoughts, wanting to do all these things and be involved in some way but not being able to communicate all this. So I have days when my mind wants to focus on the past and then there are days like today when I want to make the effort however I feel like it is the wrong thing to do. Rather than just accepting this I just seem to dwell on it and focus on it, sending my mind crazy with a debate of should I or should I not text him. I don't know what I am to do, I am just going to try and distract myself and spend time thinking about other things that are actually in my life, not something I wish was in my life.

Here's to a time when my mind is not plagued so much by thoughts of him.
x

and it all floods back in...

I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about him. No amount of distraction is working, within minutes I am straight back to thinking of everything he is. I wonder if he might be thinking of me too.

I think of all the little things he did to show you care;
The i love you note wrote in fruit for when I got up for work
The sunflowers on my car, my house and at my work
The i love you he wrote on my car wind screen
The way he gave me the keys to your house attached to a rose
How he said i love you for the first time on the big wheel in London
The way he mimicked me when I was making no sense
How he tried to give me a rose before you went away but you left it on the train
How he would kiss me like they do in the movies
How he would hold me tight before we fell asleep
Our first valentines night together where he treated me like I was the only one in the universe
How I woke up to the cookie monster stuffed through my letterbox one morning
How he always wanted to see me even if I didn't seem too keen at first
How I would always wake up to a good morning text and fall asleep to a good night text
How he could speak to me all day everyday and never get bored
The flowers sent just because...

The list is literally endless, you did everything right and I would love to know where it all began to go wrong for him. We didn't even argue until a year into our relationship, we were proud of this. Then all of a sudden things changed for him and I don't know why. I thought we were doing fine, I knew we had a few issues but all couples do, I thought we would be able to work through all these and carry on building the bridge to a better time. But for him that bridge was just slowly crumbling piece by piece and unfortunately it couldn't be rebuilt.
What am I supposed to do when my thoughts are nothing but him. I can ignore them, kind of, during the day but at night it just all comes pouring back. I then just hope I can fall asleep and meet him in my dreams instead, live a life which I want back for a few hours before I have to wake up again and face reality.
I feel lost with my own thoughts, I don't know which way they are heading and I'm not too sure if I am confident in their final decision. Yes I am scared that he was my everything and I will not be able to find someone else, yes I am worried that I have not fought enough for what I want, that I should have done this and done that. But I also know that this is the wrong way to think and that in the long run I am most probably doing more harm to myself by thinking this way. I don't want to have to rant on to my friends about it, because I know they are sick of hearing of it now, and plus I can never seem to find the words to be able to explain it at that time. This is why I started this blog, I feel I can get everything down this way, share my thoughts and my experience as well as provide a kind of diary of how I went from being totally happy to crashed and burned into the bottom of a ditch.

Well I think I have gone on enough now and I should try and get some sleep, hopefully this has spared my brain some thoughts anyway.
x

...x

forgive,forget and let go...

I heard the other day the saying; forgive, forget and let go. Five simple words and yet they are the hardest to get used to when placed all in one sentence.

Forgive. Even after everything we went through at the end I don't feel as if you need forgiving, yes we both did some silly things, and most other people would see so much anger in that but I don't. Yes I am aware it was wrong but for some reason I don't feel as if it was a massive deal, I don't feel like he needs to be forgiven for what he did. I believe he maybe should have been understanding towards what I had to say and I should have been less naive, but forgiving him; I don't think I need to. Should I be learning to dislike what he did because that is how I will move on? I don't think I can do, yes it was shocking and upsetting, I wish it hadn't ended up that way but even after it all I can't dislike anything he did. We do everything we do for a reason. If only we could have spoke about this reason and listened to each other more, I definitely should have been more open about how I was feeling everyday, maybe I am to blame. Is this even a part of a break up process. Blaming yourself. I honestly do blame everything that happened on myself, I probably shouldn't but I do.
            All through my life it has been the guy who has walked away from me, he was my first real relationship, but before that I still had interests and each time it was them that called it all to an end and I was left in narnia as to how I felt. This is why, I am guessing, I feel I don't need to forgive him. If other people have felt the need to end it with me then it must be something I am doing wrong that is messing everything up. Why do people walk away from me, why am I always the one who is dealing with the true loss whilst they just have to make sure they won't regret their decision.
          I have learnt from my mistakes slightly through the years and through the different people I have had an interest in. But with putting my all in with him I was learning from a whole new angle. I was learning the ways of how a relationship works, and I guess I didn't learn quick enough. I was selfish, I know this, I wanted it to be all about me. Maybe if I had been in relationships from the age of 16 then I would have been able to iron out all this and would have been able to make it work with him. But falling for him at 23 years old, making him my first for everything. I have messed it all up, I have had to deal with the heartbreak an adult feels rather that of which a 16 year old might experience.

Forget. Will I forget him, I can honestly say never. I still remember every little detail about the past interests. I do not let things escape my heart so easily, I do hold on to them with every last bit of strength I have, for no reason at all apart from to keep that happiness I once felt within me, scared to lose it and become nothing. With him, I went through such a change that I know he will always be there in my heart and at the back of my mind. Whoever enters my life in the future will just have to accept this, I will still want to speak to him and see his son, I will still be happy to send christmas and birthday cards to them both. I want them to know I still care. I cannot and will not cut them out of my life. That is not saying I am not willing to move on, thats a slow process and I am getting there, but I know for certain I will not be able to forget him.

Let go. A work in progress. Easier to say than it is to do that's for sure. I suppose it is a good thing he deleted me off facebook, it stops the whole stalking aspect and as much as I would like to know what he is up to and if he is seeing someone else, it would only bring about more pain and sadness. Being intrigued is something I will have to embrace. I have made progress and I have accepted a lot more now, but I am still a long way off from totally being able to look at him and say 'Yes we were good for each other but I am happy now and we should just be friends.' When I do look at him I do still see everything I want in his eyes. When I go round to see his son, I literally cannot help myself from tracing every aspect of his face, his laugh, his smile, with my eyes and trying to capture everything there so I can go away feeling happy that we can still be comfortable in each others presence. It is hard stepping back into my old life for that few hours but at the same time, time stops and I feel like I have fallen down the rabbit hole to wonderland. Everything seems bigger and brighter and shinier, and for that one night I can go back to being completely happy again. It is a danger going round to his house though as one day I may see something that will make me sad. I would like to say I am prepared for this but I know I am not, I know it will strike me like a dagger to the heart, the pain will come pouring out of my throat and I will just want to breakdown. It will be devastating but I can't expect him to not find someone else, I want him to be happy, yes I would like that happiness to come from being with me but again I am just being selfish there. I want him to be able to learn to love and trust again and find someone that truly makes him happy. I am just deeply sorry that it couldn't be me.

its one step at a time...

I write this not quite knowing the purpose or as to why, maybe it is because I am trying to get to sleep (a 3.30am wake up for work is not so pleasant on not much sleep) and as always you cloud my mind. It's weird though because although all the feelings and love is still there, as fierce as ever, it is like it has all been shrouded by a veil of some sort. Almost like bricking something up behind a wall, it is all still there but slowly piece by piece a new layer is being added to the wall. The feelings remain but is almost as if I can't feel them in all their glory, like having pins and needles and have your foot go numb, then prodding it. You can almost feel the sensation but it almost clouded over.
So here I am building day by day a new brick to add to the wall, covering the thoughts and feelings that remain. However if I see you, I know for certain it will be like a sledgehammer straight at that wall. I can promise you this, the wall will come down a lot easier than it is trying to go up. In the blink of an eye all will be released once more, like a pandoras box, a whirlwind of emotions both good and bad. How I control them, I cannot say. I guess I just deal with that when it happens, I'd say I would embrace them in all their glory, fly back in time to a day when they were al significant and true rather than a distant past, settling but not turning to dust.

Is this normal for moving on. Should I keep going over everything in my head still. Should I still be thinking what he is doing, caring how he or his son are. Most people I have spoken to say no, they say I should come to terms with what happened happened, that it was not meant to be and we were obviously toxic for each other in many ways. I respect their opinions, I embrace them like you would a lost child crying for it's parents. But like that lost child no matter the embrace, I still yearn to see him again. I still want to be held in his arms, feel the warmth of his skin against mine. When I see couples out and about I envisage me and him in their place, whilst watching a film and it is about love, I picture me and him and how we would fare in this story. I make comparisons all the time, I cannot help it. So yes I probably am poisoning my own mind with my own thoughts, I am probably not helping myself but like I have said before, I am obviously not over him. Time is healing yes, I am obviously just a slow learner when it comes to matters of the heart.

13th May 2015...

So I wrote a lot less than I thought I did, and I repeated myself a lot through them messages. It is definitely a good job I never sent them to him, they don’t make that much sense and they are not as poetic as I originally thought, I am no Shakespeare ha.

I have thought about writing a lot more since but for some reason I have kept it all inside and just let my baffled head try and file it all away in that box thats hidden away. It has worked sometimes but a lot of the time it just leaks out and I think this is why I chose to start the blog, so I could write things down easier and let my fingers run away with the thoughts I can’t seem to rid myself of.

An update would be that I have seen him and his son a few times now, mainly for occasions like birthdays. For that one day it is amazing to be able to be there and a apart of their lives again. It’s like for a few hours I get to escape back to my old life and I honestly don’t want the time to continue when I am there. If I could have a device to stop time I would do so there and make a few hours last days. WE don’t speak that much, I think I want to a lot more than he does, I honestly still do have to stop myself nearly every day from trying to think of an excuse to text him, I will find anything to strike a conversation.

I crave him still, I crave his smell when I give him a hug, I grave his smile when something funny happens and I crave him putting me in the right when Im in the wrong. I miss the family time we would have on the sofa with snacks and blankets with the fire on. When I go round now and we sit, it feels like I can’t relax, I don’t know how to act and I feel awkward, like I don’t really know you and we are meeting for the first time again. It is weird and I try to get rid of the feeling but I guess it is because I try not to get too comfy whilst I am there, try to keep up my guard so I don’t let all them feelings and emotion come out again. I am so thankful he lets me go round to see his son. It is nice to see him and spend time talking to him, playing games and hearing how his day has been.

Recently I have questioned everything I do though. I want to text him and speak to him all the time but at the same time I can’t be bothered, I want to arrange to see his son but I can’t be bothered. In fact no it is not a fact of I can’t be bothered exactly, it’s more the fact I honestly feel like I am bothering him, like he has to make an excuse as to who he is talking to to be able to reply to me. I don’t want him to feel like he has to talk and reply to me, that he has to be able to let me come round cause otherwise he might feel he is being the bad guy. I say and feel this because it is always me who texts him first, he doesn’t strike up a conversation out of the blue and so I take this as he will reply to me to be polite and not to keep the friendship alive. I over think everything so much as well so you can imagine how crazy my thoughts and mind go when I do all this.

Is all this a sign of moving on…is it good that I am resisting talking to him…..is it good that I have the feeling of not being bothered??

I still dream of him, and my most recent involved me seeing him again and not actually liking him but then as I spent more time with him in my dream I fell back in love with him. I don’t think I can ever see him as just a friend. Which is another reason why I question why I go round to see his son.

Yes I want to see his son and I want to be there for him still but am I doing it to purely spend time and bond with his son or am I doing it to just get to see him and get a hug when I leave. Am I becoming that bad of a person that I am using his son against him just so I can get a snap of my old life back and be held in his arms once again. I feel awful about this as I can’t quite answer it. Yes I do miss him and want to talk to him, I feel like when I see him in real life I can properly talk to him, I can see the emotions he is feeling and what he has been up to, I feel like he opens up to me and I miss this and I want to have it more in my life. In texts sometimes it feels like he is being cold towards me, maybe I am disturbing something but he is just too polite to say. So when I go round I love the fact I can have him by my side to talk and tell my woes to. Seeing his son is obviously the big part of it, i still talk about him to others and say ‘oh he liked this’ ‘oh i remember when we…’ He is still in my mind as much as my ex himself. It’s weird, how do you try and move on from something that is permanently there in your head, anything I see or do I relate back to him. I still talk to my friends about him as if we are still together. I know they are sick of hearing it and I can almost see the point their eyes glaze over and they don’t know what to say because ‘I am better off without him.’( I don’t mean this in a harsh way, the amount of times I repeat stuff I don’t blame them, they have been awesome with me through all of this…I honestly have amazing friends).  Maybe I am, I haven’t fully decided, he told me I am at the time of breaking up, that he was holding me back. But the truth is I was holding myself back, I did lose myself, I became a person I have never seen in myself before. It was not his fault one bit it was almost like a reaction to how much I wanted the situation to work. I went crazy I think, I realise this now, I needed to find myself again in order to make myself a better person. I have now, I know where I went wrong, and I also know I still want him. Finding myself has not made me think he wasn’t the one, I think that is what he thought would happen. That I would realise he was not what I wanted, but on the contrare, I have realised how much I want him, I miss his dearly however there are some aspects that I do not miss but these are things that can be worked out and worked through if the chance came to it.

Well for now I think I should stop and let the thoughts conjure up new crazy ideas for my next post, moving on is not just a walk in the park, I would say it is more like a walk along hot coals whilst trying to dodge paint balls.

24th October 2014...

The past week or so I have once again struggled to sleep, thoughts of us, what we were, our good times and our bad times and everything in between, just swim around my head, as if that is somehow going to make sense of all the pieces. I have been better, I have found peace in myself and know I let myself go, i lost myself by trying to be too much of something, I thought I was living to please you but I wasn’t, I thought by acting the way I did I could be there for you at all times and craved your attention so much I was willing to sacrifice everything around me so I could be with you. I guess because I had never had a relationship before and you were my first for everything, when I feel in love with you I had all these miraculous plans in my head, I failed to voice them but I assumed I had found my happily ever after and so willed to be as much as I can. But when I went in moods I guess it was out of frustration, that it wasn’t going how I thought it would, it was never because I had alternate motives, I just wanted it all too much i guess. But now I don’t have you, I don’t have your son, but that doesn’t meant that I have had you off my mind, that I haven’t see stuff and wished me, you and your son could do it together. I was so jealous when you both went to Spain cause all I could think was ‘I should have been there,’ how did things get so bad we couldn’t sort our way through it and see past all the drama and realise we loved each other so much.

You were and always will be my first love, I will compare everyone I ever meet to you and everything you did; the sunflowers on my car, the first time you said you loved me, the cookie monster through my letter box. You truly did put your all in and then I got lost somewhere and ended up dragging you with me. And for this I am sorry, but I want you to realise that I never had a wandering eye, I would have never cheated on you and the silly things I said were stupid and meant nothing, but I understand how it all appeared. I don’t know my point in all this, I just couldn’t sleep and to stop myself from texting you I thought I would write it. You don’t need to hear this really, Im glad we are at peace and can be friends. I appreciate so much that I can still be a part of your son’s life, I do love that kid even if I never showed it fully, I just hope he knows it and as long as you let me, I will never walk out of his life. I know it’s hard for us to arrange times but I will always find time to come and see him.

Well I guess Im finished with my woffling on, you have left your mark in my heart and I will cherish what we had until the day I die, for me it was truly special and I can only see the good and honestly struggle to see the bad. I miss you every day all day, every night you walk in my mind and every morning your there too, i have just learnt to accept a distance from you rather than try and shun a love away that clearly wants to stay. As cliche as it sounds I’d like to think we just met at the wrong time in each others lives and one day down the line we will meet again and be able to start again, from fresh, a time when we both know who we truly are.

I love you R

x x x x

5th October 2014...

My mind is going crazy, emotions have come back with vengeance, it doesn’t help that Im due on so thats probably why.

I literally cannot get you out of my head, but not in the way of rekindling what we had per se, but just to be able to speak to you, your still the last thing I think of before going to sleep and I pretty much still dream of you every night, but I am happy the way we are but at the same time I can’t help but want to speak to you every single day.

I want to tell you that I still love you with all my heart but I don’t want to ruin the friendship. I want us to be able to speak and laugh still and I don’t want you to think I am trying to weasel my way back into your life. I keep thinking this cause when I ask to take your son out I don’t want you to think it’s cause I am trying to use him against you. I genuinely miss him and want to be able to spend time with him. Seeing you is obviously a plus and I am happy we can still speak but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish we still had more. I hope that we can work something out eventually, that we just met at the wrong point in our lives and that somewhere down the line we can work things out. Like I said before, I am happy just being friends with you at the moment and I hope I can remain this way and not let our feelings intervene and ruin what we have. Please don’t think I am using your son as a way to get back in with you, it just broke my heart that day at the Trafford Centre and I realised that we all had a part in each others lives and feelings were shared so I cannot just walk away.

I will forever be here for you and your son should you ever need me. If your ever struggling for someone to pick him up or look after him just text me cause I will do, and I won’t expect anything in return. I just want you both to know that I am here for you.

12th September 2014...

All I want to do is cry, all this sadness and heartbreak in m body wants to cry and be released but it’s like Im out of tears and I can’t, I can’t even get satisfaction from breaking down anymore. I’ve been doing well but then I fall asleep and dream, and your in them and I get immense happiness but then they never end up well. Last night I dreamt I saw you and your son in a shop and we spoke and we got on well, then I tried to kiss you but you wouldn’t and I woke up and felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I can’t even escape the heartbreak when Im asleep.

I’ve forgotten what your voice sounds like, I can picture your face but I can’t put a voice to it and this makes me sad. I have been doing well, I have managed to push most to the back of my head and learn to ignore it but then you can’t just turn off the heart and every now and again it flares up and this is when the sadness comes. I still see things and it reminds me of you, your still on my mind as the last thing I think of before I sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up. I still pick up my phone when it goes off and hope it is from you. I guess Im slowly moving on but very slowly and it still hurts, but it does get less.

I think I still give myself hope in that we may get a chance to try again, that we were together at the wrong time in our lives and we will rekindle but later down the line.

I keep myself busy and I do as much as I can but some days I just want to stay in bed and cry. I get so lonely without you by my side, I haven’t slept well since, I cannot forget how we used to cuddle before bed, how our bodies would fit so perfectly together and how when we would want sleep we would roll over but still touch our feet or legs to know we still cared. I miss that, I can’t fall asleep without almost mimicking that pose with my duvet, I roll about and I wish I couldn’t cause your there in the way. I don’t think I will ever forget the love I have for you, a place in my heart will forever be yours and it will remain there. I know it’s only been 2 months and time will help but I can feel it like I felt when my dad died, that place in my heart, that broken feeling, that feeling of loss and longing, I have it for you so I know years from now it will remain.

You were after all my first for a lot of things, the first one I put my guard down to, my first real love, my first boyfriend and my first intimacy. You allowed me to open my heart and show me what it was like to feel loved and to love. I showed you my whole self, I was always myself and shared with you my special places and moments. You were so much a part of me, I simply cannot erase that and get rid of that feeling. I will always love and cherish you, no matter what

x x x x

30th August 2014...

I guess Im having a thoughtful day to be writing to not text you again. Like I said before you have your good and bad days. I don’t actually know what I want to say just a part of me knows it wants to speak to you but that just goes against everything.

I hope your okay, I just assume that throughout all this your doing good and you have enough to do in your life to distract yourself but that is just me being presumptuous. I guess I just choose to feel that way to help me feel better. I am well, I haven’t cried and I have managed to pick my spirits up. Sometimes a thought does cross my mind but Im learning to box it up and keep it stored, hidden away, otherwise I know moving forward will be even harder. I truly do miss you and our late night/early morning texts, I miss curling up to you on the sofa and feeling your heart beat. But that doesn’t upset me so much anymore. I know I was lucky to have experienced all these things with you. Thank you for letting me in.

25th August 2014...

So I was doing all fine that I spotted you on whatsapp with your new profile pic, in the Invictus hoodie, and I felt sick and a knife tore through me again. You looked so good and it just made me miss you all over again, who knew a picture would be able to do that.

I don’t know why it hurt me so much, I wasn’t looking for you which is probably why, it just surprised me and because you looked happy and so good in it…have I said that already? ha…I do like that picture.

I could rant on about how Im jealous of the next person who gets to share their life with you and how much I love and miss you but that wouldn’t do any good in the steps for moving forward so I shall resist. Im doing good, I feel okay I just didn’t think a photo would do this to me. I hope your all good and your son is fine. I’d like to be able to say we shall speak soon but that is not the case.

I dreamt the other night that we started speaking again but as usual it ended up arguing so if my dreams are saying that then I definitely don’t want to have it in real life. Even though it has been nearly 2 months, I still think it is too soon or should I say too fresh and raw for us to try and be friends again. I hope one day we can be able to speak to each other normally, but at the same time I don’t know if I could cause I would be so jealous of anyone you got with and I would want much more than just friendship.

23rd August 2014...

Im doing better, at least I feel better, as the days go by I am less bitter about breaking up, I am getting used to calling you my ex and not trying to say boyfriend and getting upset. I still think of you and nearly everything reminds me of you, so I do miss you alot but honestly now it all just feels like a dream, a weird dream that I can’t quite figure out if it happened or not. I miss you now like you miss friends and family whilst away for months at a time, rather than I can’t breathe or function without you. I didn’t think I would ever start feeling better but time obviously does heal.

I want to say thank you for not texting me when I asked you to give me some space, I really do appreciate that, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t picked up my phone on a regular basis wishing there was a message from you on it, I still do that. But I have managed to write this without crying which is another milestone, I haven’t cried for a few days now which I am proud of. I think I am just beginning to appreciate what we had and what we learnt rather than solely focusing on what and when it went wrong. I am alot more positive about it all now. Yes there are demons at the back of my head that keep trying to force thoughts on me to make me upset and start dwelling and regretting and apologising, but I am finding the strength now to hold them back. A month ago I wouldn’t of imagined I would ever be okay now, I thought the ground may as well swallow me whole cause I was never going to get over the pain all this has caused. Im still broken and I still love you with all my heart but I am more accepting now and ready to start moving on.

20th August 2014...

Once again I get all worked up and spend time crying cause I miss you so much, I so want to text you, feel your kiss and your arms around me again. I dreamt earlier on that we met up and you asked if we could maybe start again, my heart was racing in my dream and as you held me close and hugged me again I felt like my world was complete. Then my alarm woke me up and I felt more rubbish than ever. I just wish all this sadness would go, I wish I could get over you so I can speak to you and not argue and not get upset but right now I know that is not possible. I still spend every waking day thinking of you and what your doing, I try to work out what your shifts are so I know if your busy working or not. I shouldn’t be wondering where you are or what your doing because I don’t think you are me, but I can’t help it. You still occupy 100% of my thoughts and I may be able to distract myself for an hour or so but then Im right back where I started. I hate myself for being so weak, I hate that I hold so much love and guilt at the same time. I hate that I m doing so bad and you seem to be dealing with it okay. When you text yesterday about missing a warm T bed when you finish nights, I so wanted to text back but I nearly started crying again and I didn’t want you to know that you had upset me which is why I left it. Lord knows I wish you would text me every single day, but I know that is not helping either of us move on or heal our hearts so it is for the best, or so I am being told.

I hope you are okay and I hope you are managing to feel better about the whole situation. I pray you have deleted them texts, as I don’t want to remain as the girl who this stupid thing, I want you to remember how we grew and learnt from each other over them 2 years. I know it is easier to be angry and remember the texts, facing all them good memories is hard I know, they are what I can’t get out my head all day everyday. I hope you can one day forgive me and we can walk past each other without feeling nervous or heart racing, that we have come to some sort of peace.

I know you don’t need to hear this but I am so broken I can feel it, physically feel it. Im so broken cause I loved you and still do love you so much. You need to know and I hope you realise that you were my first true love and will forever be. I will no doubt compare everyone else to you, I will miss you each time I do. I don’t write this expecting you to change your mind, I know you are certain in your head, I just want and need you to know how I feel so I can at least look back and know that I kept nothing in and said all I needed to. I know I dragged you down sometimes and made you feel like shiz and I am sorry, cause I never wanted you to feel rubbish, even when I was in a mood I still wanted you to be happy I just couldn’t figure myself out at that moment and  caused you to come down with me. I am so sorry for exhausting you.

You always saw the best in me when I struggled to. I miss my morning texts to and from you, I miss getting to work and texting you good morning or waking up at 3am and reading a goodnight text off you, little things like that most certainly made me smile. I still have my screen shots of our convos back in the day and I refuse to delete them. I can’t read them right now but I hope one day I can and I can look back knowing that the love we had for each other was real and we truly did care for one another. Im sorry I just messed it all up in the end and Im sorry you felt like you couldn’t trust me. I would have never ever cheated on you, your kisses and touch was all I ever craved the most in the world, I just said silly words that meant nothing but something all at the same time.

I’ve learnt that all this hurts so much because it mattered, it wasn’t just lust, it was love and that gives me some comfort for why I feel so rotten inside. Im sorry for ranting on, I don’t mean to be so depressive but I write this to stop myself from blubbing all over a text and making you feel worse. This was I get it all down and out my head and hopefully allow a better nights sleep. I may send this to you one day but it is not to make you feel guilty or bad about your decision, just to let you know you were loved and to not give up on yourself. Anyway for now I shall call it a day. I hope your okay and I still think of you and your son, especially now hes away in Barbados, I bet he is having an awesome time.

xxx

18th August 2014...

So it’s been a month really since it all kicked off, my head has been all over the show, I’ve wanted to hate you so much but at the same time I’ve loved you more than ever. I’ve cried everyday and all I think about is us, what went wrong and how things should have been. I have immense guilt and it kills me, eating away piece by piece. I don’t think I’ve ever missed someone as much, I just have to keep telling myself that with time things will get better and the pain I feel will go. I think I feel so much as I didn’t want it to end in any way shape or form, I wanted to stand and fight but emotionally it all got too much for me and although the fight still remains in my heart, my body and mind cannot physically do it. I am aware I am in the wrong and I would do anything to go back to the day I wrote T them messages. It kills me cause I did write ‘I live with my boyfriend’ but for some reason I chose to delete it and thought I would try to be funny. Afterwards I realised how wrong I was to think that and who was I to slag off someone I cared so much about. I am sorry I never told you how much you meant to me and I am sorry I never showed how committed I was, instead you saw messages that hurt you and made the trust you had in me go.

I won’t ever forget it all and how a foolish mistake cost me a relationship. You were there for me through everything and I am so thankful for that. You showed me what it was like to love someone and open up to them. You showed me it was okay to feel love and let my guard down. You showed me it was okay to cry and I would get back up again. I had so little faith in myself and you had so much in me, so for that I apologise.

Seeing Z’s moods in Europe made me hate myself for doing it with you, it is so exhausting and I understand that now. I just craved your attention so much, I was jealous of anyone else that had it. I wanted to be all you ever thought about and all you ever wanted to be with but that is unrealistic. I’m not saying I wanted you to choose me over your son but I saw how much you loved him and cherished him and I wanted that for myself. You are an amazing father and he is so lucky to have you in his life. The time I got to spend with you both I will never forget, I will always remember how he would battle me to the floor for a kiss, and how he ran up to me that day with the coke bottle and said ‘they didn’t have a step mum one.’ I’m sorry the label step mum scared me a bit but that didn’t stop me from caring for him and wishing him the best in life.

I know this isn’t what you want so I have to learn to accept that cause at least I know you will be happy. I don’t want you out my life but if we can’t be together I need time to heal and face this fact, otherwise I will break all over again if i see you with someone else. you deserve to be happy, your an amazing loving guy, I just hope you can forget your demons in order to be happy again.

I’m sorry I brought back demons from past relationships, when I first got with you I wanted to be the one who could change you and could make you love again and help you grown rather than see you experience that with someone else. I sit now and remember so many of the good times and not the times we argued, so I don’t know why I can see that now and not then and would refer to our relationship as being rocky. I think I wanted to make it work so so much that I was scared by every little hiccup. Maybe I tried too much and it just got the best of me and that is when I went in moods.

Im sorry. I just need you to know that I will probably always love you, even years down the line I will hold a place in my heart for you as we had been through so much together. If we are destined to come together at some point then at least you now know how I feel, if not then at least now you know you made me more than happy and Im glad I got to have you as my firsts fro everything. I don’t really know what else to say, my head just keeps firing stuff out but my hand can’t write it quick enough so please excuse the messy handwriting.

I’ve missed having you to hold at night, to curl up under your armpit and feel your body next to mine. I’ve missed hugging you in the kitchen while we cook our evening meal. Not having you to hold at the end of the day really does suck but again, I know with time all this will heal and although I will still miss it, it won’t hurt as much to think of it. Don’t think this is me telling you how much you’ve hurt me, not at all, I know I have hurt you and caused you to be upset and cry, something your son definitely doesn’t need to see. I’m sorry I can’t be a part of his life anymore and Im sorry you have to tell him that news. I know how much it will upset him and I feel so bad about it, he was as much of my life as you were.

I am also angry, angry that another girl gets your heart, angry that you had other girls to talk to after we broke up to distract yourself, angry that you did read my messages and that you didn’t want to accept trying again no mater how hard I fought and tried to explain. But you did them things for a reason and Im sorry you felt the need to do it. I have mo business knowing who your texting or what might be happening between you and other girls but at the same time I can’t help but wonder and be jealous, why couldn’t I be the one who held your hand through the rest of your days. Then I remember that I didn’t help the situation and it was through me that it all ended.

I still can’t get used to calling you my ex, I don’t like correcting people at work cause it sounds so nice to hear me and you in the same sentence. I know if you read all this it will proper mess with your head, I know it would mine if you did something similar, but I had to get it out onto paper otherwise I would have a breakdown and text you and we both know that wouldn’t end well at this stage as it is still too raw. If one day you do read it I just want you to know that I mean every word of it and you will forever be loved by this girl.