what do you do when he's all you ever think about...

Because my mind is working over time at the moment I decided to find an old diary I used to write in and read if my life has changed. Has it? No! Literally the same issues repeat over and over again. With my ex now he was the first relationship but before him I did have an interest in others, a deep interest that never developed in to anything and it is all my fault. There's three names that constantly pop up and each one the same lines could be repeated over and over again, all in my own doing. I didn't let people know how I felt, I was cold at times and maybe a bit confusing, I led people on in thinking something would happen and it wouldn't.....and then they got girlfriends, and then I lost them and my heart would break. I described so much how I hated how they had cut me out their lives and didn't want to speak to me anymore, I hated how I realised too late that they were what I wanted and I was too scared to do anything at the time. It is funny really to read it back, although at the time I was a mess by the looks of it, I wasn't sleeping and just constantly stressed about it. Not much has changed, but like I have mentioned previously, each time it has been them that has walked away from me. How can I see a positive in everything that has happened when each time it has been me that has been cast aside through no fault of my own.

It just makes me reflect really on how this all went wrong with my ex. How I can see my younger self in some ways, acting how I did then. Why didn't I learn from all this so that I could be better the next time round. With my current ex things are completely different in another sense, this was a lot more serious and a lot more intimate than anyone before. But mentally I can see things that have never changed in me and maybe that is what I need to work on in order to make myself a better person, a person who won't make the same mistakes again, I'm just upset at the fact that I couldn't have done this before to make it work with my ex, someone who deserved to have the me I know I am really. I think I just get lost in the moment, I try to be something that they truly want but in the process I am just messing things up, not being honest to myself or them and in the end I get wound up so tight in my own web that I don't notice things going wrong, subconsciously I probably do, but on the surface I just go ahead and blame them because surely I'm not the one doing wrong, how naive can I be.

I've read plenty of articles today on coping with heart break, learning to feel good again, not blaming yourself. They did give me some comfort in the sense that I seem to think that I am the only one feeling this much pain in the whole history of heart breaks. I am ignorant to the fact that everyone goes through it at some point in their lives and when it is your first proper relationship it is always going to be the hardest. Well it has been the hardest as of yet. I remember the day it was truly over, the day I actually was distraught, when tears weren't enough and I literally wailed/screamed/shouted with tears. When I didn't sleep for more than a couple of hours a night and couldn't eat properly for weeks. Everything would bring me to tears. I was a mess, a mess of emotion and love that scared the hell out of me. I hadn't experienced anything like this before, I hadn't felt the intimacy and closeness I had with him, I hadn't felt the sort of love we had, the fact I wanted him by my side for the rest of my life and I just wanted to make him happy (even though at times I went about this in the wrong manner). My eyes were red, my cheeks were tear stained, my bed and pillow felt like a stranger because he wasn't next to me when I rolled over. My parents house I had to move back into felt like a weird prison that was keeping me captive, I was in a strange place with no way of getting back out. Looking back now I don't know how I managed. As time went on it became a bit easier to be here and not there with him but the feelings and love for him never changed.

I still have the charms he bought me for my bracelet on it and I wear it every day, I still have a picture of me and him on my car keys, I have a scar on my arm from where I burnt myself on the iron at his. The scar is what gets me the most, I look down at it and it is always going to be there, always there to remind me of what was and what could have been if it hadn't of ended the way it did. Most the time I look at it with happiness, knowing that I spent 2 years with guy who would have done anything for me, and showed me how much he loved me through the littlest of things. Other days I look at it and just feel sadness.

From reading my old diary it took me a year to get over something that never was, and I really did mess about with by not being honest. But if that took a year, and it wasn't really anything real to begin with them I have no idea how long this will take me. Maybe it could take less time if I became more determined to be over him, but I think the reality is I'm scared of that. I'm scared of not having feelings for him anymore, I'm scared to let him go when he is all I ever want. Also I am too stubborn to accept the fact that this is it, why should this have to be it, it's what I want and what I want to fight for so why should I have to give it up. I am hurting myself in the process so this is why I try not to rant it out to my friends any more, cause it is a lost cause to them. I know I am doing wrong to myself so why should they have to listen to me when it is my own doing. If and when I do move on this will be a thing to look back on, emotional yes but at least I will have tracked my journey and be able to know that what I felt for him was real. The times we spent together were worth everything and I will know that he will always have a special place in my heart till my dying days. I just hope one day I can put a happy ending at the end of all this, in my heart I would say with him however if I was being realistic it will probably be the person who is next to enter this story of my life. I just hope he doesn't take too long otherwise I don't know how much faith I will have in myself and relationships after a while. Maybe I should just embrace the crazy cat lady lifestyle now, maybe this is where I am heading ha, cats make me happy, I'm sure I would eventually be content.