All I want to do is cry, all this sadness and heartbreak in m body wants to cry and be released but it’s like Im out of tears and I can’t, I can’t even get satisfaction from breaking down anymore. I’ve been doing well but then I fall asleep and dream, and your in them and I get immense happiness but then they never end up well. Last night I dreamt I saw you and your son in a shop and we spoke and we got on well, then I tried to kiss you but you wouldn’t and I woke up and felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I can’t even escape the heartbreak when Im asleep.
I’ve forgotten what your voice sounds like, I can picture your face but I can’t put a voice to it and this makes me sad. I have been doing well, I have managed to push most to the back of my head and learn to ignore it but then you can’t just turn off the heart and every now and again it flares up and this is when the sadness comes. I still see things and it reminds me of you, your still on my mind as the last thing I think of before I sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up. I still pick up my phone when it goes off and hope it is from you. I guess Im slowly moving on but very slowly and it still hurts, but it does get less.
I think I still give myself hope in that we may get a chance to try again, that we were together at the wrong time in our lives and we will rekindle but later down the line.
I keep myself busy and I do as much as I can but some days I just want to stay in bed and cry. I get so lonely without you by my side, I haven’t slept well since, I cannot forget how we used to cuddle before bed, how our bodies would fit so perfectly together and how when we would want sleep we would roll over but still touch our feet or legs to know we still cared. I miss that, I can’t fall asleep without almost mimicking that pose with my duvet, I roll about and I wish I couldn’t cause your there in the way. I don’t think I will ever forget the love I have for you, a place in my heart will forever be yours and it will remain there. I know it’s only been 2 months and time will help but I can feel it like I felt when my dad died, that place in my heart, that broken feeling, that feeling of loss and longing, I have it for you so I know years from now it will remain.
You were after all my first for a lot of things, the first one I put my guard down to, my first real love, my first boyfriend and my first intimacy. You allowed me to open my heart and show me what it was like to feel loved and to love. I showed you my whole self, I was always myself and shared with you my special places and moments. You were so much a part of me, I simply cannot erase that and get rid of that feeling. I will always love and cherish you, no matter what
x x x x
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