The past two nights I have dreamt of him, both of a similar situation/theme. Both have included us getting back together, the butterflies being reborn and coming to life with an almighty passion, and it's like we were at the beginning. Then as the dream goes on, or just before I wake, it all ends badly. Badly in a sense that it turns out the bitterness is still there, that we haven't really fixed anything and if we continued to try and be together it would only get worse. Is this a sense of what the future would hold if we did try again? I would like to think not however a part of me thinks it would be the case. We would start off all happily ever after but then as time passes and we slipped back into the same routine, it would just go back to the way it was. I've heard many a stories where people have broken up only to realise different and have managed to find their way back to each other once again, and I hope this is where my life story is taking me. However once again this is me being forever hopeful, that I am only punishing myself for thinking like this. At the time of the break up, when I was fighting with every last ounce of strength I had in me, I tried to get him to say that he needed a break and would think about it all. Probably not the best way to live your life, waiting on a guy to decide if he wanted you or not. But I didn't see it that way, I saw it in the way that I would give him space to realise where it had gone wrong, the explanations behind it and to know just how much I loved him and wanted to be with him. I was living in a fairy tale I guess. Things don't happen like Disney would have you to believe. I just have to keep telling myself that if he did truly want to be with me, to see past the mistake and hear me out, then he would of fought for me. He claimed he did, and with the prolonged break up I can understand he did try a little bit, for a month or so, but even in that month he was withdrawn and not himself, looking back now he was just trying to find a way in which he could break the news to me. News that would tear my hear to pieces, cut me wide open, and devastate everything I thought would have worked and lasted forever.
So all I have left is these dreams, and even they are not turning out the way I would expect them to. I suppose it is better to wake up feeling a bit annoyed that we couldn't find a way to make it work the second time round, rather than waking up to feel upset and tearful at what was. I guess that is a blessing in disguise.
That is all for now I think, I'm sure I will write again soon. Let's see what tonight's sleep will uncover.
x
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