its one step at a time...

I write this not quite knowing the purpose or as to why, maybe it is because I am trying to get to sleep (a 3.30am wake up for work is not so pleasant on not much sleep) and as always you cloud my mind. It's weird though because although all the feelings and love is still there, as fierce as ever, it is like it has all been shrouded by a veil of some sort. Almost like bricking something up behind a wall, it is all still there but slowly piece by piece a new layer is being added to the wall. The feelings remain but is almost as if I can't feel them in all their glory, like having pins and needles and have your foot go numb, then prodding it. You can almost feel the sensation but it almost clouded over.
So here I am building day by day a new brick to add to the wall, covering the thoughts and feelings that remain. However if I see you, I know for certain it will be like a sledgehammer straight at that wall. I can promise you this, the wall will come down a lot easier than it is trying to go up. In the blink of an eye all will be released once more, like a pandoras box, a whirlwind of emotions both good and bad. How I control them, I cannot say. I guess I just deal with that when it happens, I'd say I would embrace them in all their glory, fly back in time to a day when they were al significant and true rather than a distant past, settling but not turning to dust.

Is this normal for moving on. Should I keep going over everything in my head still. Should I still be thinking what he is doing, caring how he or his son are. Most people I have spoken to say no, they say I should come to terms with what happened happened, that it was not meant to be and we were obviously toxic for each other in many ways. I respect their opinions, I embrace them like you would a lost child crying for it's parents. But like that lost child no matter the embrace, I still yearn to see him again. I still want to be held in his arms, feel the warmth of his skin against mine. When I see couples out and about I envisage me and him in their place, whilst watching a film and it is about love, I picture me and him and how we would fare in this story. I make comparisons all the time, I cannot help it. So yes I probably am poisoning my own mind with my own thoughts, I am probably not helping myself but like I have said before, I am obviously not over him. Time is healing yes, I am obviously just a slow learner when it comes to matters of the heart.