que sera sera...

So today I am going to meet him and his son and his niece. It is not for the first time, I have been around a few times since, birthdays, christmas etc, times when I give a present to his son. It is hard to pin him down so I can come around and I often wonder if this is because he is not too keen on me going round so much but is too nice to say that and so beats about the bush. I think in a way I would rather him tell me.
Anyway I am due to meet him in like 2 hours and we are off to legoland. Honestly, I am pooing my pants, I am so nervous as I always am before seeing them. I don't know why because I know everything will be fine and we will have a laugh, I think it is more down to me trying not to expose my feelings, trying not to read into anything and everything he might say, assuming he is with someone else now just because he seems to be editing what he has been up to. But then again I have no right to know really if he is seeing someone but it does make me wonder every time I see him. Last time I went round was 2 months ago now and it was a really nice experience, it was his son's birthday and I did enjoy being there and surrounded by what was. I did get a bit hurt when his son introduced me to his friend and his 'dad's ex girlfriend'. Yes I know that is what I am however to hear it come from his son's mouth, it kind of shot me down a bit, like opened up the wound that was healing just a little bit and some sadness came out. He knows now and understands that I will no longer be there in his or his dad's life, it did make me a bit sad.
But I shall be positive today and I shall try not to expect too much or act like a weirdo, I shall be myself. I shall try not to make it out like my life is a mess and a I don't do much and I will try and let him know that. I have not done that in the past because in a way it was proving his point, as he was breaking up with me he said he was holding me back and I need to go off and live my life without having baggage behind me. I totally disagreed with him and when I would go round I would try to make a point that this was not the case, however now I don't see the point of playing the sad card anymore. I want to, I want to tell him how my life is rubbish without him, how when ever I see a happy couple all I picture is me and him together. But instead I will try and focus on letting him know that I am okay and I am doing fine, because I am fully aware that he is, that he literally just sprung back into his old life and has gotten on with that. If he has been hurting he has done very well not to show it.
Anywho I don't want to woffle on too much, I shall probably update later on when I return. Im hoping to be able to get the chance to stay with him and his family most the day however I feel like after legoland I will have to make a move, like it will be an awkward moment where I want to stick around but he doesn't and we both don't know what to say. Only time will tell...
x