We spoke a bit, not much of an update on each other but we did have a little chat while the kids played. He is doing well with his life and I am happy for him, he is definitely living his life to the full now and this makes me think it was me who was holding him back after it all. Our hands accidentally touched at one point, and we both pulled back instantaneously and he apologised, that touch of the hands, I can't begin to describe how it felt. It felt like fireworks could have shot out into a perfect storm, but at the same time it felt wrong, like the way you touch your best friends hand and then your like, oops sorry, that weird feeling of we shouldn't really touch. But for that brief second it literally knocked me off my feet, I didn't know what to do, it took me by surprise. Yes it was by accident so it literally took nano seconds, but time slowed down in my head and I was like arghhhhh what is this.
I am a sucker for reading between the lines, for over analysing a situation, taking note of everything I see and hear and thinking what does that really mean. So this doesn't help really. I felt comfortable being there, I enjoyed it, I just wished it could have gone on for longer. I was happy to see the kids again but I was also overjoyed at being able to see and speak to him again. Like I have said previously, it is literally like I am getting a chance to step back into my old life for a second. As much as I do enjoy it, when I find out how much he has been up to and how he is making the most of his time now I realise that I really wouldn't fit in anywhere, as much as I want to be back involved in his and his son's life I don't know where I would fit. As a result I feel it would take us right back to where we left off and it would only have a honeymoon period of a month or so before we got back into the same routine and messed each others heads up once again. I am glad I can see this now, it does show that I am slowly moving on, but it doesn't stop me from craving him, from having him want to text and speak to me all he can. Or cuddle up to him on the sofa and just talk about random things.
I am just confused. Over my own thoughts and actions rather than him being involved. Im confused as to why I crave something that I know probably wouldn't end up well, why I still make him my priority in everything I do and say, why I want to keep him at a distance but at the same time I want to talk to him all day every day. My head, is being logical but my heart is stuck with once upon a time stories and until the both can agree I don't think I am going to find any peace. I am jealous of him though, he is doing so well, he has so much planned for his life and is busy doing different things all the time. Then I look at my life and it literally is the total opposite, I don't really do anything or go anywhere, I don't have much money and I get bored very easily. I'm lonely and confused and don't know who to talk to sometimes. I try to busy myself but I always end up doing nothing again because there is not much I can do. My friends are all in relationships so I can't just pop round to see them because I don't want to crash their couple time. They are also all buying houses and so are saving up, so I don't get much chance to go out anymore and so my nights are mainly spent in the house. I need to sort my own life out before I try and find someone else to share it with, maybe thats why I crave him so much, he already knows what I am like, yes I have changed in some ways but he would be aware of everything and so Im choosing the easy way out right? I wouldn't like to think so, I would like to think I am choosing him out of the fact my heart beats for him every single day and he literally possesses me, mind body and soul.
My head is a mess right now. Not a bad mess like that when we broke up, but just a mess as in, 'did that just happen' 'did I really just see him before'. It doesn't feel real but at the same time the way my heart feels now I know it was real. I am happy with just being able to see them every now and again I just wish we could talk more, without it feeling like he is too busy or he doesn't really have time to reply. My biggest wish after days like today is that once I leave him and get home I will get a text saying he enjoyed himself or it was good to see me again, something that shows I do not just leave his mind as soon as he gets in the car and goes. If I was being ridiculous I would want him to say do I want to meet up for coffee during the week or something like that ha, but I know that is hoping for way too much. But it would be nice to be able to continue the civilness with each other and not have to wait like a month before we speak again.
I now know how important communication is and then there is all them quotes that say just say how you feel as there is no time like the present, but if I told him what I felt or wanted to say or do then I know it would push us further apart, and I am scared most by this. When I text him not long after we broke up, a drunken text, I said I love you and he said he did too but it won't change anything. And I think that is what he has stuck to ever since, his feelings, if they do still exist, he is ignoring because in his eyes things will never be able to change. We won't ever be able to work things out or try again because he can't see it happening. Upsetting to know and hear, because I know I have it in me to try again, I have grown as a person in these last 10 months. I have changed in small ways and I am sure he has, but the difference being that I have the fight in me still to try and show him how much this could work whilst I feel like he said goodbye to that ship a long time ago and I am just not brave enough to admit it. I am clasping on to the last bit I have and I refuse to let go. I have had drunken slip ups where I have text him and confessed things but he has not, not once. He hasn't even tried to arrange for me and him and his son to meet up on his accord, without me asking, let alone trying to rekindle us by asking to meet for coffee or something. I need to learn to accept it is a lost cause, it was awesome while it lasted and he taught me many things but I need to know the space in his heart for me has gone. He has moved on, and as upsetting as that is, I need to embrace it.
x
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