So I wrote a lot less than I thought I did, and I repeated myself a lot through them messages. It is definitely a good job I never sent them to him, they don’t make that much sense and they are not as poetic as I originally thought, I am no Shakespeare ha.
I have thought about writing a lot more since but for some reason I have kept it all inside and just let my baffled head try and file it all away in that box thats hidden away. It has worked sometimes but a lot of the time it just leaks out and I think this is why I chose to start the blog, so I could write things down easier and let my fingers run away with the thoughts I can’t seem to rid myself of.
An update would be that I have seen him and his son a few times now, mainly for occasions like birthdays. For that one day it is amazing to be able to be there and a apart of their lives again. It’s like for a few hours I get to escape back to my old life and I honestly don’t want the time to continue when I am there. If I could have a device to stop time I would do so there and make a few hours last days. WE don’t speak that much, I think I want to a lot more than he does, I honestly still do have to stop myself nearly every day from trying to think of an excuse to text him, I will find anything to strike a conversation.
I crave him still, I crave his smell when I give him a hug, I grave his smile when something funny happens and I crave him putting me in the right when Im in the wrong. I miss the family time we would have on the sofa with snacks and blankets with the fire on. When I go round now and we sit, it feels like I can’t relax, I don’t know how to act and I feel awkward, like I don’t really know you and we are meeting for the first time again. It is weird and I try to get rid of the feeling but I guess it is because I try not to get too comfy whilst I am there, try to keep up my guard so I don’t let all them feelings and emotion come out again. I am so thankful he lets me go round to see his son. It is nice to see him and spend time talking to him, playing games and hearing how his day has been.
Recently I have questioned everything I do though. I want to text him and speak to him all the time but at the same time I can’t be bothered, I want to arrange to see his son but I can’t be bothered. In fact no it is not a fact of I can’t be bothered exactly, it’s more the fact I honestly feel like I am bothering him, like he has to make an excuse as to who he is talking to to be able to reply to me. I don’t want him to feel like he has to talk and reply to me, that he has to be able to let me come round cause otherwise he might feel he is being the bad guy. I say and feel this because it is always me who texts him first, he doesn’t strike up a conversation out of the blue and so I take this as he will reply to me to be polite and not to keep the friendship alive. I over think everything so much as well so you can imagine how crazy my thoughts and mind go when I do all this.
Is all this a sign of moving on…is it good that I am resisting talking to him…..is it good that I have the feeling of not being bothered??
I still dream of him, and my most recent involved me seeing him again and not actually liking him but then as I spent more time with him in my dream I fell back in love with him. I don’t think I can ever see him as just a friend. Which is another reason why I question why I go round to see his son.
Yes I want to see his son and I want to be there for him still but am I doing it to purely spend time and bond with his son or am I doing it to just get to see him and get a hug when I leave. Am I becoming that bad of a person that I am using his son against him just so I can get a snap of my old life back and be held in his arms once again. I feel awful about this as I can’t quite answer it. Yes I do miss him and want to talk to him, I feel like when I see him in real life I can properly talk to him, I can see the emotions he is feeling and what he has been up to, I feel like he opens up to me and I miss this and I want to have it more in my life. In texts sometimes it feels like he is being cold towards me, maybe I am disturbing something but he is just too polite to say. So when I go round I love the fact I can have him by my side to talk and tell my woes to. Seeing his son is obviously the big part of it, i still talk about him to others and say ‘oh he liked this’ ‘oh i remember when we…’ He is still in my mind as much as my ex himself. It’s weird, how do you try and move on from something that is permanently there in your head, anything I see or do I relate back to him. I still talk to my friends about him as if we are still together. I know they are sick of hearing it and I can almost see the point their eyes glaze over and they don’t know what to say because ‘I am better off without him.’( I don’t mean this in a harsh way, the amount of times I repeat stuff I don’t blame them, they have been awesome with me through all of this…I honestly have amazing friends). Maybe I am, I haven’t fully decided, he told me I am at the time of breaking up, that he was holding me back. But the truth is I was holding myself back, I did lose myself, I became a person I have never seen in myself before. It was not his fault one bit it was almost like a reaction to how much I wanted the situation to work. I went crazy I think, I realise this now, I needed to find myself again in order to make myself a better person. I have now, I know where I went wrong, and I also know I still want him. Finding myself has not made me think he wasn’t the one, I think that is what he thought would happen. That I would realise he was not what I wanted, but on the contrare, I have realised how much I want him, I miss his dearly however there are some aspects that I do not miss but these are things that can be worked out and worked through if the chance came to it.
Well for now I think I should stop and let the thoughts conjure up new crazy ideas for my next post, moving on is not just a walk in the park, I would say it is more like a walk along hot coals whilst trying to dodge paint balls.
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