So it’s been a month really since it all kicked off, my head has been all over the show, I’ve wanted to hate you so much but at the same time I’ve loved you more than ever. I’ve cried everyday and all I think about is us, what went wrong and how things should have been. I have immense guilt and it kills me, eating away piece by piece. I don’t think I’ve ever missed someone as much, I just have to keep telling myself that with time things will get better and the pain I feel will go. I think I feel so much as I didn’t want it to end in any way shape or form, I wanted to stand and fight but emotionally it all got too much for me and although the fight still remains in my heart, my body and mind cannot physically do it. I am aware I am in the wrong and I would do anything to go back to the day I wrote T them messages. It kills me cause I did write ‘I live with my boyfriend’ but for some reason I chose to delete it and thought I would try to be funny. Afterwards I realised how wrong I was to think that and who was I to slag off someone I cared so much about. I am sorry I never told you how much you meant to me and I am sorry I never showed how committed I was, instead you saw messages that hurt you and made the trust you had in me go.
I won’t ever forget it all and how a foolish mistake cost me a relationship. You were there for me through everything and I am so thankful for that. You showed me what it was like to love someone and open up to them. You showed me it was okay to feel love and let my guard down. You showed me it was okay to cry and I would get back up again. I had so little faith in myself and you had so much in me, so for that I apologise.
Seeing Z’s moods in Europe made me hate myself for doing it with you, it is so exhausting and I understand that now. I just craved your attention so much, I was jealous of anyone else that had it. I wanted to be all you ever thought about and all you ever wanted to be with but that is unrealistic. I’m not saying I wanted you to choose me over your son but I saw how much you loved him and cherished him and I wanted that for myself. You are an amazing father and he is so lucky to have you in his life. The time I got to spend with you both I will never forget, I will always remember how he would battle me to the floor for a kiss, and how he ran up to me that day with the coke bottle and said ‘they didn’t have a step mum one.’ I’m sorry the label step mum scared me a bit but that didn’t stop me from caring for him and wishing him the best in life.
I know this isn’t what you want so I have to learn to accept that cause at least I know you will be happy. I don’t want you out my life but if we can’t be together I need time to heal and face this fact, otherwise I will break all over again if i see you with someone else. you deserve to be happy, your an amazing loving guy, I just hope you can forget your demons in order to be happy again.
I’m sorry I brought back demons from past relationships, when I first got with you I wanted to be the one who could change you and could make you love again and help you grown rather than see you experience that with someone else. I sit now and remember so many of the good times and not the times we argued, so I don’t know why I can see that now and not then and would refer to our relationship as being rocky. I think I wanted to make it work so so much that I was scared by every little hiccup. Maybe I tried too much and it just got the best of me and that is when I went in moods.
Im sorry. I just need you to know that I will probably always love you, even years down the line I will hold a place in my heart for you as we had been through so much together. If we are destined to come together at some point then at least you now know how I feel, if not then at least now you know you made me more than happy and Im glad I got to have you as my firsts fro everything. I don’t really know what else to say, my head just keeps firing stuff out but my hand can’t write it quick enough so please excuse the messy handwriting.
I’ve missed having you to hold at night, to curl up under your armpit and feel your body next to mine. I’ve missed hugging you in the kitchen while we cook our evening meal. Not having you to hold at the end of the day really does suck but again, I know with time all this will heal and although I will still miss it, it won’t hurt as much to think of it. Don’t think this is me telling you how much you’ve hurt me, not at all, I know I have hurt you and caused you to be upset and cry, something your son definitely doesn’t need to see. I’m sorry I can’t be a part of his life anymore and Im sorry you have to tell him that news. I know how much it will upset him and I feel so bad about it, he was as much of my life as you were.
I am also angry, angry that another girl gets your heart, angry that you had other girls to talk to after we broke up to distract yourself, angry that you did read my messages and that you didn’t want to accept trying again no mater how hard I fought and tried to explain. But you did them things for a reason and Im sorry you felt the need to do it. I have mo business knowing who your texting or what might be happening between you and other girls but at the same time I can’t help but wonder and be jealous, why couldn’t I be the one who held your hand through the rest of your days. Then I remember that I didn’t help the situation and it was through me that it all ended.
I still can’t get used to calling you my ex, I don’t like correcting people at work cause it sounds so nice to hear me and you in the same sentence. I know if you read all this it will proper mess with your head, I know it would mine if you did something similar, but I had to get it out onto paper otherwise I would have a breakdown and text you and we both know that wouldn’t end well at this stage as it is still too raw. If one day you do read it I just want you to know that I mean every word of it and you will forever be loved by this girl.
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