From the beginning...

So I don’t know where to begin, I guess I decided to start this as my mind is so full of thoughts at the moment that I thought it would be better to write them all down to help clear the head.
So I have been broken up with my ex for around 10 months now and I can honestly say I am not over him. Yes it doesn’t hurt as much, I no longer scream internally and cry every minute of the day as my mind is fully consumed by thoughts of him. The pain is less but the thoughts are still as strong as ever. Every waking hour I spend thinking of him in one way shape or form, as cliche as it is he is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. When I look at my phone I wish a message from him would come through and when I am out and about all I hope is to bump into him. I think it is safe to say I am not over him, I can still only see him as my future and even though I know it is a toxic relationship that probably would end up back to square one if we tried again, I cannot stop myself from thinking that things would be different and that he would realise this is what I want (he was the one who broke up with me).

Throughout my life everyone has always walked away from me, I have always been at the other end of the break up that has to try and find a way to get over it all and move on, move on from something I thought was working well or I knew it had its faults but I knew thats where I wanted to be so I worked through it. I do feel as I am too fault each and every time even if I am not.
With this ex I am not angry with him, I don’t hate him and I can’t imagine hating him or seeing him as a bad person. I know what went on was wrong and yes it makes me angry but I can see past that, I can see what and where things went wrong and I am willing to overlook that and work on it anyways. This is something he obviously does not want as he has been with the little or no contact rule and has not slipped up once. I have drunken text and I have sparked conversation and he will reply when appropriate, i.e. not drunk, but it almost feels like he is doing it to be nice and not seem the bad guy in the break up.

This is the start of the blog but I think I am going to type up all the texts I didn’t send but wrote down instead, just so I have them as a firm record and so I can add to them much easier. I originally wrote all my thoughts down to help me sleep and clear my head and I had hoped to send them to him when I was over him so that I could let him know how I truly felt even if he did not believe me. However now I just think it would mess his head up even more and if someone did that to me I would be baffled as to the purpose. So I will share with this blog instead, a true break up story and a very honest account. I probably will change names just to make it a bit less personal however everything else is how I felt. I may actually cry when typing this up also, it was true raw feelings that I wrote, the hurt can be felt every step of the way and I think I captured just how much my heart has been shattered through this break up…..
so here is goes….