I think of all the little things he did to show you care;
The i love you note wrote in fruit for when I got up for work
The sunflowers on my car, my house and at my work
The i love you he wrote on my car wind screen
The way he gave me the keys to your house attached to a rose
How he said i love you for the first time on the big wheel in London
The way he mimicked me when I was making no sense
How he tried to give me a rose before you went away but you left it on the train
How he would kiss me like they do in the movies
How he would hold me tight before we fell asleep
Our first valentines night together where he treated me like I was the only one in the universe
How I woke up to the cookie monster stuffed through my letterbox one morning
How he always wanted to see me even if I didn't seem too keen at first
How I would always wake up to a good morning text and fall asleep to a good night text
How he could speak to me all day everyday and never get bored
The flowers sent just because...
The list is literally endless, you did everything right and I would love to know where it all began to go wrong for him. We didn't even argue until a year into our relationship, we were proud of this. Then all of a sudden things changed for him and I don't know why. I thought we were doing fine, I knew we had a few issues but all couples do, I thought we would be able to work through all these and carry on building the bridge to a better time. But for him that bridge was just slowly crumbling piece by piece and unfortunately it couldn't be rebuilt.
What am I supposed to do when my thoughts are nothing but him. I can ignore them, kind of, during the day but at night it just all comes pouring back. I then just hope I can fall asleep and meet him in my dreams instead, live a life which I want back for a few hours before I have to wake up again and face reality.
I feel lost with my own thoughts, I don't know which way they are heading and I'm not too sure if I am confident in their final decision. Yes I am scared that he was my everything and I will not be able to find someone else, yes I am worried that I have not fought enough for what I want, that I should have done this and done that. But I also know that this is the wrong way to think and that in the long run I am most probably doing more harm to myself by thinking this way. I don't want to have to rant on to my friends about it, because I know they are sick of hearing of it now, and plus I can never seem to find the words to be able to explain it at that time. This is why I started this blog, I feel I can get everything down this way, share my thoughts and my experience as well as provide a kind of diary of how I went from being totally happy to crashed and burned into the bottom of a ditch.
Well I think I have gone on enough now and I should try and get some sleep, hopefully this has spared my brain some thoughts anyway.
x
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