The past week or so I have once again struggled to sleep, thoughts of us, what we were, our good times and our bad times and everything in between, just swim around my head, as if that is somehow going to make sense of all the pieces. I have been better, I have found peace in myself and know I let myself go, i lost myself by trying to be too much of something, I thought I was living to please you but I wasn’t, I thought by acting the way I did I could be there for you at all times and craved your attention so much I was willing to sacrifice everything around me so I could be with you. I guess because I had never had a relationship before and you were my first for everything, when I feel in love with you I had all these miraculous plans in my head, I failed to voice them but I assumed I had found my happily ever after and so willed to be as much as I can. But when I went in moods I guess it was out of frustration, that it wasn’t going how I thought it would, it was never because I had alternate motives, I just wanted it all too much i guess. But now I don’t have you, I don’t have your son, but that doesn’t meant that I have had you off my mind, that I haven’t see stuff and wished me, you and your son could do it together. I was so jealous when you both went to Spain cause all I could think was ‘I should have been there,’ how did things get so bad we couldn’t sort our way through it and see past all the drama and realise we loved each other so much.
You were and always will be my first love, I will compare everyone I ever meet to you and everything you did; the sunflowers on my car, the first time you said you loved me, the cookie monster through my letter box. You truly did put your all in and then I got lost somewhere and ended up dragging you with me. And for this I am sorry, but I want you to realise that I never had a wandering eye, I would have never cheated on you and the silly things I said were stupid and meant nothing, but I understand how it all appeared. I don’t know my point in all this, I just couldn’t sleep and to stop myself from texting you I thought I would write it. You don’t need to hear this really, Im glad we are at peace and can be friends. I appreciate so much that I can still be a part of your son’s life, I do love that kid even if I never showed it fully, I just hope he knows it and as long as you let me, I will never walk out of his life. I know it’s hard for us to arrange times but I will always find time to come and see him.
Well I guess Im finished with my woffling on, you have left your mark in my heart and I will cherish what we had until the day I die, for me it was truly special and I can only see the good and honestly struggle to see the bad. I miss you every day all day, every night you walk in my mind and every morning your there too, i have just learnt to accept a distance from you rather than try and shun a love away that clearly wants to stay. As cliche as it sounds I’d like to think we just met at the wrong time in each others lives and one day down the line we will meet again and be able to start again, from fresh, a time when we both know who we truly are.
I love you R
x x x x
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