Forgive. Even after everything we went through at the end I don't feel as if you need forgiving, yes we both did some silly things, and most other people would see so much anger in that but I don't. Yes I am aware it was wrong but for some reason I don't feel as if it was a massive deal, I don't feel like he needs to be forgiven for what he did. I believe he maybe should have been understanding towards what I had to say and I should have been less naive, but forgiving him; I don't think I need to. Should I be learning to dislike what he did because that is how I will move on? I don't think I can do, yes it was shocking and upsetting, I wish it hadn't ended up that way but even after it all I can't dislike anything he did. We do everything we do for a reason. If only we could have spoke about this reason and listened to each other more, I definitely should have been more open about how I was feeling everyday, maybe I am to blame. Is this even a part of a break up process. Blaming yourself. I honestly do blame everything that happened on myself, I probably shouldn't but I do.
All through my life it has been the guy who has walked away from me, he was my first real relationship, but before that I still had interests and each time it was them that called it all to an end and I was left in narnia as to how I felt. This is why, I am guessing, I feel I don't need to forgive him. If other people have felt the need to end it with me then it must be something I am doing wrong that is messing everything up. Why do people walk away from me, why am I always the one who is dealing with the true loss whilst they just have to make sure they won't regret their decision.
I have learnt from my mistakes slightly through the years and through the different people I have had an interest in. But with putting my all in with him I was learning from a whole new angle. I was learning the ways of how a relationship works, and I guess I didn't learn quick enough. I was selfish, I know this, I wanted it to be all about me. Maybe if I had been in relationships from the age of 16 then I would have been able to iron out all this and would have been able to make it work with him. But falling for him at 23 years old, making him my first for everything. I have messed it all up, I have had to deal with the heartbreak an adult feels rather that of which a 16 year old might experience.
Forget. Will I forget him, I can honestly say never. I still remember every little detail about the past interests. I do not let things escape my heart so easily, I do hold on to them with every last bit of strength I have, for no reason at all apart from to keep that happiness I once felt within me, scared to lose it and become nothing. With him, I went through such a change that I know he will always be there in my heart and at the back of my mind. Whoever enters my life in the future will just have to accept this, I will still want to speak to him and see his son, I will still be happy to send christmas and birthday cards to them both. I want them to know I still care. I cannot and will not cut them out of my life. That is not saying I am not willing to move on, thats a slow process and I am getting there, but I know for certain I will not be able to forget him.
Let go. A work in progress. Easier to say than it is to do that's for sure. I suppose it is a good thing he deleted me off facebook, it stops the whole stalking aspect and as much as I would like to know what he is up to and if he is seeing someone else, it would only bring about more pain and sadness. Being intrigued is something I will have to embrace. I have made progress and I have accepted a lot more now, but I am still a long way off from totally being able to look at him and say 'Yes we were good for each other but I am happy now and we should just be friends.' When I do look at him I do still see everything I want in his eyes. When I go round to see his son, I literally cannot help myself from tracing every aspect of his face, his laugh, his smile, with my eyes and trying to capture everything there so I can go away feeling happy that we can still be comfortable in each others presence. It is hard stepping back into my old life for that few hours but at the same time, time stops and I feel like I have fallen down the rabbit hole to wonderland. Everything seems bigger and brighter and shinier, and for that one night I can go back to being completely happy again. It is a danger going round to his house though as one day I may see something that will make me sad. I would like to say I am prepared for this but I know I am not, I know it will strike me like a dagger to the heart, the pain will come pouring out of my throat and I will just want to breakdown. It will be devastating but I can't expect him to not find someone else, I want him to be happy, yes I would like that happiness to come from being with me but again I am just being selfish there. I want him to be able to learn to love and trust again and find someone that truly makes him happy. I am just deeply sorry that it couldn't be me.
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