poison to my mind...

In terms of any changes since my last posts, nothing to report. I dreamt of him against last night, I'm just going to have to get used to these regular occurrences. I really want to go round and see his son, it's half term now so I know he will have it quite a bit this week so there should be plenty of opportunity for me to see him. However I have yet to text him and ask as I honestly do feel like I am bothering him, I always tell him when I am free and to text me when ever he has him as I will more than likely be able to go around. But he never does, and common sense says that is because either he is actually way too busy, or I don't cross his mind anymore to think about that, or he doesn't feel it is appropriate me to still go around. He said when we broke up he would never stop me from seeing him if I asked, and he hasn't, but he does make it very difficult for me to arrange something. I don't want to have to harass him, I don't want to get on his nerves in that aspect. But I do really want to go round and see his son, see how he is and just spend some time with him. And before you ask, I do actually go around and just spend time with his son, if he is around then obviously I don't ignore him, but I am simply not just popping round saying I want to see his son but really use the opportunity to spend time with him. Yes it is nice to see him, and be able to speak to him in real life however I know not to push anything as I don't want them feelings to come pouring back.

It is so frustrating, having all these thoughts, wanting to do all these things and be involved in some way but not being able to communicate all this. So I have days when my mind wants to focus on the past and then there are days like today when I want to make the effort however I feel like it is the wrong thing to do. Rather than just accepting this I just seem to dwell on it and focus on it, sending my mind crazy with a debate of should I or should I not text him. I don't know what I am to do, I am just going to try and distract myself and spend time thinking about other things that are actually in my life, not something I wish was in my life.

Here's to a time when my mind is not plagued so much by thoughts of him.
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