Once again I get all worked up and spend time crying cause I miss you so much, I so want to text you, feel your kiss and your arms around me again. I dreamt earlier on that we met up and you asked if we could maybe start again, my heart was racing in my dream and as you held me close and hugged me again I felt like my world was complete. Then my alarm woke me up and I felt more rubbish than ever. I just wish all this sadness would go, I wish I could get over you so I can speak to you and not argue and not get upset but right now I know that is not possible. I still spend every waking day thinking of you and what your doing, I try to work out what your shifts are so I know if your busy working or not. I shouldn’t be wondering where you are or what your doing because I don’t think you are me, but I can’t help it. You still occupy 100% of my thoughts and I may be able to distract myself for an hour or so but then Im right back where I started. I hate myself for being so weak, I hate that I hold so much love and guilt at the same time. I hate that I m doing so bad and you seem to be dealing with it okay. When you text yesterday about missing a warm T bed when you finish nights, I so wanted to text back but I nearly started crying again and I didn’t want you to know that you had upset me which is why I left it. Lord knows I wish you would text me every single day, but I know that is not helping either of us move on or heal our hearts so it is for the best, or so I am being told.
I hope you are okay and I hope you are managing to feel better about the whole situation. I pray you have deleted them texts, as I don’t want to remain as the girl who this stupid thing, I want you to remember how we grew and learnt from each other over them 2 years. I know it is easier to be angry and remember the texts, facing all them good memories is hard I know, they are what I can’t get out my head all day everyday. I hope you can one day forgive me and we can walk past each other without feeling nervous or heart racing, that we have come to some sort of peace.
I know you don’t need to hear this but I am so broken I can feel it, physically feel it. Im so broken cause I loved you and still do love you so much. You need to know and I hope you realise that you were my first true love and will forever be. I will no doubt compare everyone else to you, I will miss you each time I do. I don’t write this expecting you to change your mind, I know you are certain in your head, I just want and need you to know how I feel so I can at least look back and know that I kept nothing in and said all I needed to. I know I dragged you down sometimes and made you feel like shiz and I am sorry, cause I never wanted you to feel rubbish, even when I was in a mood I still wanted you to be happy I just couldn’t figure myself out at that moment and caused you to come down with me. I am so sorry for exhausting you.
You always saw the best in me when I struggled to. I miss my morning texts to and from you, I miss getting to work and texting you good morning or waking up at 3am and reading a goodnight text off you, little things like that most certainly made me smile. I still have my screen shots of our convos back in the day and I refuse to delete them. I can’t read them right now but I hope one day I can and I can look back knowing that the love we had for each other was real and we truly did care for one another. Im sorry I just messed it all up in the end and Im sorry you felt like you couldn’t trust me. I would have never ever cheated on you, your kisses and touch was all I ever craved the most in the world, I just said silly words that meant nothing but something all at the same time.
I’ve learnt that all this hurts so much because it mattered, it wasn’t just lust, it was love and that gives me some comfort for why I feel so rotten inside. Im sorry for ranting on, I don’t mean to be so depressive but I write this to stop myself from blubbing all over a text and making you feel worse. This was I get it all down and out my head and hopefully allow a better nights sleep. I may send this to you one day but it is not to make you feel guilty or bad about your decision, just to let you know you were loved and to not give up on yourself. Anyway for now I shall call it a day. I hope your okay and I still think of you and your son, especially now hes away in Barbados, I bet he is having an awesome time.
xxx
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